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STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
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Location: A Room In A House
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Being A Jackass That Writes Fanfiction, Image Collection, Roleplaying As Stupid Animals And Dumb Humans, Sprite Comics, Retsupurae, LISA, Games, Exercise, Lamenting That My Childhood Is Dead
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Jul 20 2017, 03:54 AM
CHAPTER 0: And I Will Go Sailing No More




"A year later in the year 2014, we decided to release the new iOS8. Well it turned out 4chan had also been planning to release a new feature. Apple Wave. They made claims that even MORE advanced algorithms that allowed the phone to be charged simply by popping it in the microwave. People really did this, by the way. And the news picked up on it too. Now it's hard to know for sure which of these tweets are real or hoaxes. And some of the news reports claimed that no one actually tried this at all. Hoever these pitiable cries on the Apple forums say otherwise. Now the next campaign only started a few days later. We decided to use an aluminum chassis. It was cheaper, lighter, but yes, you could bend the hell out of it. So #BendGate was born. A few companies even got in on the same stupid joke. We wanted you to prevent damage by being more careful with your phones. But instead, 4chan was there to make yet another marketing campaign. They decided Bend wasn't a bug, it was a feature that encourage users to bend the phone until their screen popped right out. And you did. The next two years passed without much happening. But then in 2016 we released the new iPhone 7. And courageously, it featured no headphone jack. But one Youtuber, TechRax, decided to tell people otherwise. And apparently, all you had to do, was drill for it. Article after article about people drilling into their phones. But we're just scratching the thin veneer of dumbassery. There was a bug that bricked your phone if you set the date to January 1st, 1970. So some idiot made a campaign there too. Big lines at the genius bar that week. But there's one last thing. We put a tiny seam in the side of your iphone 6. So that it pulled out your hair every time you put the phone up to your face. I made that design decision. I thought it was funny. And all of this brings us to today and your new iPhone. This is it. This is what you get. No more nice things. You can drown it. You can bend it. You can microwave it. Does it work? NO. But it's what you deserve." - Internet Historian




Games are like a puzzle. OK, some games ARE puzzles. Whatever, the point is... You need to have all the pieces fit. The more pieces that fit, the better the game is. Length, gameplay, story, sound, graphics, you get the picture. Sun/moon, I would say, are unfinished. But you don't need ME to tell you that, because GAMEFREAK told everyone that. So imagine my surprise when Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon were announced and that they were a 'retelling'. Now, I'm a simple man. I usually am very neutral about GameFreak sequel decisions. But this was the straw that just said 'No, I'm getting super angry now'. An incomplete beta was released to us for the grand total of 40$ each. Do you know how much that is these days when you struggle to pay rent?

So naturally, this is what we're going to do. I'll try my damndest to look at this game objectively, but I know, I KNOW a certain blonde haired character will have me devolving into a fucking screaming mess. Many, many parts of Sun/Moon are going to have me bitter, and at the end, I'm going to explain my pieces and why I'm right and YOU'RE NOT. With this out of the way, let's get started and lay down ground rules.


-No using Pokemon I used in the other games I reviewed or even my playthrough of Sun
-This means no Bewear (Debating on changing it just for this one)
-No legendaries
-No Z-Moves except unique ones
-Most money must immediately go to good outfits (4/5ths)
-No avoiding trainer battles
-No EXP share
-Name Mombat something else because fuck you
-3DS theme at all times must be set to Team Skull during the playthrough
-Buy the Skull Tee
-Every Pokemon must be F E M A L E O N L Y or described as female
-Z-Move Lusamine's final Pokemon and make that bitch eat her hair

Got it? Welcome to the world of Pokemon! Aloha cousin, welcome to...


Pokemon Moon: Danse Les Etoiles
Feb 4 2017, 01:52 PM


Boy isn't that a welcome image. OK. I've been siting n this for about 3 to 4 months now. I've had a lot of time to think now. I've had a lot of time to decide what's good and what's bad. But I'm not gonna type out big huge paragraphs. No. I'm gonna state the facts. I'm gonna be concise. I can barely keep my eyes open and I dread writing this. Maybe it'll explain why I don't come around here much no more.












Why Both Kalos and Alola Fucking Suck




That's right. After sucking Alola's cock like a fucking 5$ prostitute, I realized that most of what should be in Alola simply is FUCKING NOT. You know what? Fuck it. Let's get mad one last time. I'm fed up and I can't take it anymore. Alola had the potential to be the best launch games ever made. Everything was there. 2 years of development time. An improved engine with full 3D movement. And they fucking killed it with just big fuckups, goddamnit. IT WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TAKE WHAT FUCKING WORKED FROM GEN VI AND PUT IT IN THE GODDAMN GEN VII GAMES.

Both of them feel like halves of one whole fucking game. The signs are all there. The crappy sequel hook. The fucking lesser amount of Pokemon totals up to 154 with Alola or some stupid shit, I don't know. It is inhuman to do this. There is absofuckinglutely no excuse for such incomplete piles of fucking code to be like this. I don't know if we're getting a Stars. What the fuck can it offer me now? New Pokemon? Not likely at all. New forms? Wow, Necrozma gets a new form! WATCH IT BE FUCKING USELESS BULLSHIT. This fucking Disneyland copout bullshit just proves they don't even know what made Join Avenue work. What fucking halfbreed cocksucker thought it was even a good idea to have this replace the PSS? You know, I want to apologize to Kalos. They had the perfect system for trading, battling, anything. And they threw it away like utter trash.

Everyone. Why should I give a damn about continuing to play the games? Why should you? There is no reason. There is no post game in any of them. There's nothing. Literal fucking nothing for both games. It's been over 20 fucking years now, and the series hasn't evolved. Nothing can evolve. The only way to evolve it is to do a total reboot to the mechanics, and we all know we aren't getting that. It's a dead end. For a series about evolving and friendship, it's been the same result for over 20 fucking years! You pick 4 ideal moves and run all the same shit online! It's staler than goddamn Melee! There's no future here! Everything about this entire system is fucked. FUCKED.

So it's with a tired soul and a broken heart, that I'm announcing I'm going to take a long, long break from a game series that taught me how to read. I'm going to move on. I'm going to Monster Hunter and Shin Megami Tensei. They know how to improve a system that's arguably better than Pokemon's. And even if its shit to play, it's not fucking Pokemon. It's not something that's suffocated me with all its poor design decisions. I know this hardly warrants a thread. But I'm done. I don't care anymore.

See you next week, Blaine
Oct 16 2016, 12:10 PM
Pokemon X/Y: A Study In Design


CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION INTO THE GAME WORLD




Thread Theme: Hawaiian Hype Begins Now

A return to X/Y? What am, a crazy man? No. I've wanted to do this for a game for a while now. I want to put my game design degree to good use. (-sign that says LAUGH appears over your head-) In exchange, I can think of no better game to do it for than one of the most critically divisive games I have ever played. Rule number 1. No getting angry. This is not to base my own hatred or opinions on X/Y, but to look at it from a completely neutral standpoint. If I don't, I don't feel like this game can fade from my memory properly. With that out of the way, I'm going to take everything chunk by chunk. You'll see the layout below, and how I format it. Let's get started.





-VANIVILLE, ROUTE 1, AQUACORDE-



The intro movie to X/Y feels relatively underwhelming. The Kalos starters are the starts, but they seem to get replaced momentarily by the Megas, which from a marketing standpoint makes sense. However, there's nothing in X/Y's intro movie that makes me hyped about the world of Kalos itself. It shows no important or crucial moments as a clencher, and doesn't assert that this region has it's own brand of character. It is regrettable, but the battle scenes look very outdated compared to Sun/Moon now.

The intro with Sycamore is a lot better. From the start, you can see a parallel to a Pokeball being compared to a sun or a moon (you get the hint there?) and Sycamore is in full 3D modeling instead of the chibi style he has ingame. It is fairly interesting to see him be so passionate about his job, and the picture he uses to scroll across the screen detailing various mons doing various things is nothing short of exemplary and really highlights Kalos's culture. Sycamore himself seems like he could be a fun and interesting sort with how he handles himself, with his usage of the French language.

Sadly, it seems like the rest of the introduction is uneventful en masse. It's hard to describe, but I think the graphical style really doesn't flatter the intro itself very well. Your character wakes up, 3DS still in their hand which I thought was a lovely touch. They have pajamas on, and you change out of them to the fairly odd clothes you get. It doesn't exactly seem fashionable to wear such things, but I'm no fashion expert either. All the hairstyles given to you are ones that fit with hats. It's quite jarring to not see much of a hairstyle on underneath, and feels a bit cheapened.

Here we meet Serena and Calem for the first time. Rather than talk about their characters in full, we are only doing the dialogue immersion here because this is your first honest look at Kalos. Now, if we were to base everything on its own merits, Vaniville Town is the second-best looking starter town yet, the first going to Aspertia City in B/W2. I won't compare the two just yet. From a design standpoint, it looks painfully obvious that the grid-based movement really does hamper a lot of regions in general. Nothing about Vaniville despite its appearance honestly sticks out to me. It's a very limited town in what you really have to offer yourself with in terms of overall quality.

Following the two leaving, I decide to take a closer look at Calem's house. I notice that they have no battle trophies or anything to their name, or even any pictures. This is very plain, honestly almost too plain for my tastes if the backstory of Calem's is to be believed about his parents being veteran trainers who have really took battling pretty hard. While I am excited the interior design has stepped up in terms of quality, this kind of character touching should not be ignored. Case in point about the 8 directional movement, there seems to be a garage door, but no way to actually go inside it with no proper curving, driveway, or any path of the sort.

Route 1...makes me frown. From a designer standpoint, this not only feels cheap and disappointing, but it also feels limiting and pointless in its overall design theory compared to every other Route 1 or a subsidiary of such being where most of your experiences happening in every other game. I see only the sky and trees, and no flying overhead Pokemon. Not even a change at the time of day works for this... Ah, but I do see full, 3D, non-tiled hills on closer inspection. Yes, I believe that's significant. They DID have the power to render 3D models in a total space, but it just didn't matter to them. Very negative impact on the game as a whole in retrospection with Sun & Moon on the horizon. While it is a bit pointless, how well does it feel overall? Considering I can cross it in 4 seconds and there's nothing of note to see on it, or experience as a player, I would likely feel let down or treat it as comedic. One point I should be judging in neutrality is the landscape with the 3D feature turned on. It's only restricted to battles, however. I think that is quite telling somewhat that the 3D aspect is a complete negative to Pokemon and other games as a whole. But I'm digressing from the main point.

Ah, yes. The starters. This scene is crucial, perhaps almost overly crucial to having this succeed in the immersion department. We are introduced to Tierno and Trevor. They don't really feel interesting to begin with. For instance, we never see their families unless you really look for them, and I think Tierno's simply don't exist outright. Bad call, Cheren and Bianca had families in B/W1 that talked to them and had their own personalities. Here, they are background notes. We get our starter. This playthrough, I won't be using any of them indepth in a competitive standpoint because anyone can do a case study on them and see Greninja was the more favored. It's bad design in and of itself to not make the starters all useful in some way, but to this extent is baffling, and a testament to how mismatched and controversial GameFreak is at marketing. (I.E. The Delta Episode being spoiled, Zoroark's first appearance, and most of all, Lysandre's appearance) I think this was supposed to be an attempt to change the formula of going to a lab to get your Pokedex, but this just seems overly lazy and an excuse to not write more than they have to for Sycamore's character in general. For this run, I have chosen Froakie. It is Modest, but Male. It's all right, this is perfect.

So Sycamore gives us a letter by proxy from Tierno. We have to give this letter to our mother, at which point she'll allow us to go on our journey. I think this is a bit of backtracking, given we will never come back to Vaniville or Aquacorde unless we absolutely have to. Like what Gordy said, Vaniville and Aquacorde should have been combined into one overly large town, which would have made it a beautiful way to show off Kalos's beauty and overall size. Not only would this have been a perfect way to start the game, but it would have also given Kalos a much needed personality in its introduction. It's a shame, because these two are the most well-designed towns in the game next to Laverre.

So the game finally sets out from here, which means we will need a cutaway break. See you next time for the actual progression and analytical outlook on the routes with actual Pokemon. I hope you enjoyed so far.
Sep 24 2016, 02:40 AM
TABLE OF CONTENTS

X/Y summed up by Gordy: Gordy's Rubdown of X/Y

Omega Ruby slogged through by Blaine: You are here!

Dismantling X/Y by Blaine: Fuck You, X/Y

Indepth Study of Kalos's Infrastructure and X/Y's Development: COMING SOON



-CHAPTER PROLOGUE: OH FUCK IT STARTED AUTOMATICALLY BETTER MAKE A THREAD-




"I'M A WATER CREATURE, I LOVE WATER" - Based Jinz from Sonic RPG Flash from Newgrounds flash game


So let's get this fucking started proper, eh? Welcome to the world of Omega Ruby, AKA 'Maxie decided that he'd had enough of logic and loaded the shrimp boat with the rocket fuel and blow everyone I love and hate to Venus'. The opening is goddamn fantastic. It's actually one of the better openings I've seen from Pokemon, and really made me excited to come back to Hoenn. From the GBA transition to the 3D world with Pokemon, to the lifelike Pokemon actually interacting with the world, it's fucking perfect. If they do this sort of thing for Alola, I'd actually be very pleased.

...OK, I'm just gonna bitch a minute. Can anyone, ANYONE fucking tell me how moving vans get from town to town in PokeLand? I'm dead serious, this shit has boggled me for 15 years. ANYWAY. Stepping out into the world reveals that you have a good adventure ahead of you. The environments are larger and much more detailed than Kalos is. The graphics are fresher and brighter, and they lookgreat to the eyes.

I name my character Charlene and get on with the fucking show. Also, it actually looks like a house, despite no uh...room for the parents. Oh well. It was antiquated and remade from the ground up, cut them some slack. Masuda only had a year to fuck everything up, so Ohmori made sure to try his best and give us a good try. By the way, you set the clock to the 3DS time. No manualness here!

Also, one thing I like. Your PC has more idle animations than occasionally stretching and then just standing there for 12 minutes like a fucking statue. ... Oh. That's odd. Uhm. It might be a bit of an oversight, but it should have been easily caught. You arrive during the daytime, but when you set the clock, it jumps straight to nighttime if it's that late. I guess it makes sense, but that's kinda...hhh.

Anyway, the game progresses how you all remember it. So I'm gonna talk about how much fucking BETTER Hoenn looks than Kalos. There's a lot of background objects that really brings out Hoenn's natural beauty, and it's clear Ohmori gave more of a shit than Masuda did about making everything look presentable. Also, there are actual, visible pictures on the walls that aren't shitty decorations that aren't visible. That's right folks, Hoenn's outdoing Kalos simply by virtue of enlarging the game environment.

Anyway, I better cut it here and reset for a good starter. You know how it goes, right? Birch in trouble, save him, come to his lab, receive Pokedex.
Sep 7 2016, 02:12 AM
~Shade Incorporated~


'Hey you. Do you think you're safe? Yes? No? Well stay around and listen. This could mean the difference between life and death. Our security system might be the only thing standing between you...and a bullet in your back. The latest innovations in technology have produced the best security system on the market. In every corner of your house, it monitors any suspicious activity. If there's a window broken into, officers will be on the scene. If there's a forced unlocking, our patented emergency alert system will notify the police and they will be sent directly to your house. Don't wait until it's too late. Get Shade Incorporated's high-tech security system now.' - Shade Incorporated commercial for the Shroud Deluxe Security Package

The up and coming Shade Inc. has recently released their products onto the market. It's a security system designed to cover your entire house with a shroud of protection and peace of minds. Thus, it is named Shroud. It could mean the literal difference of life or death. Depending on who you ask, Shade Inc. is a kind and upstanding group that wants to give back to the community and protect them for decades to come. Others think they're exploiting everyone they sell to for nothing but their possessions.

Shade Incorporated is nothing but the truth. They are monitoring you with Shroud. They are watching you. They are waiting 24/7. No one is safe from Shroud's gaze. Not even you.

THE CORPORATION


Shade Inc. offers a variety of jobs, from computer science designed to make a better life, to researching Pokemon's power for a more efficient energy source. Donations are readily accepted and encouraged, no matter what it is.

COMMUNITY WATCHERS: Shade Inc. offers field work, active agents are everywhere to scout the area day and night. They are usually given a taser to subdue any suspicious targets as well as extraction kits to avoid making a fuss for the citizenry. They have a limit of 3-4 Pokemon from the selection below depending on how important they are to their designated town.

BIG SIBLINGS: Our complexes and buildings hold a number of people. Inside, we're hard at work improving lives for the countless persons outside. Safety and secrecy is our number one priority. Should any ne'er do well enter, you are authorized to use lethal force. Big siblings are not meant to leave the building, though some can apply for field work. You are allowed 4 Pokemon from the selection below, or you may bring your own.

INNOVATORS: The men and women happy to put forth ideas to help Shade Inc. improve your life! Innovators are privileged enough to attend Shade Inc. meetings for the company's next big move. They usually have a fair bit of pull, so be nice to them. We're all friends here. Max of 5 Pokemon. Pick from the selection below, and choose mainly evolved forms.

SHROUD DIVISION: This is where the technology is made to improve your life! Inside lies a whole slew of experiments and machines, guaranteed to make you smile. Seldom allowed to do field work, must apply to bureaucratic division for allowance. Allowed 4 or 5 Pokemon, must be Pokemon that are crafty and versatile to help escort intruders into a jail cell until the CANDLES arrive.

CANDLES: Our brave men and women who join the police force! They make sure the Shroud system is functioning properly to wire itself to your local police department! They also educate your local police department on varying subjects, such as home security, casing, and installation! Allowed only what the police department provides.

ADMINS: Just below the CHIEFS, the Admins help oversee healthy branches with their assigned chiefs, such as Kantonian or Sinnohan Branches! A max of 5 Pokemon is all you get, but you can use anything your heart desires, even if caught yourself. You also answer only to the FOUNDER or CHIEFS.

MIDNIGHT: DATA NOT AVAILABLE

BLACKOUT: DATA NOT AVAILABLE

EIDOLONS: encryptionfailedYour job is to protect the two divisions of Midnight and Blackout. 5 to 6 Pokemon are mandatory. Must be mostly evolved Pokemon. Not allowed to talk about your job, allowed field work. Must drop current mission if ordered.

CHIEFS: The best and brightest of Shade Inc.! Everyone in Shade Inc. knows your name and you have total pull over divisions! Chiefs get a max of 6 Pokemon and can choose to do field work, direct the underlings, or spy on the current security install locations. They can also choose to override any decision an Innovator makes. (Interested in making your own Chief? Apply with me!)

FOUNDER: DATA NOT AVAILABLE





Shade Inc. Employee Pokemon Selection

The rest can either be caught, bought, or stolen from others

-Alolan Rattata Line
-Alolan Meowth Line
-Purrloin/Liepard
-Salandit
-Pancham
-Gastly
-Alolan Grimer
-Sneasel/Weavile
-Houndour/Houndoom
-Deino
-Scraggy
-Vullaby
-Sandile
-Murkrow
-Voltorb


Admin or Higher

-Honchkrow
-Weavile
-Absol
-Shiftry
-Chandelure
-Larvitar
-Bisharp
-Zorua/Zoroark
-Malamar
-Jellicent
-Amoongus
-Sudowoodo
-Trevenant
-Gourgeist
-DAYRUFF/NIGHTRUFF AaaaAAaa~
-Honedge
-Mimikyu
-Dhelmise
-Palossand
-Sableye
-Alolan Marowak
-Hakamo-o
-Stufful/Bewear
-Toxicroak
-Salazzle
-Mareanie
-Shiinotic
-Beheeyem
-Meowstic M/F
-Ralts line
-Claydol
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