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Posted: Jul 20 2017, 03:54 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 0: And I Will Go Sailing No More
"A year later in the year 2014, we decided to release the new iOS8. Well it turned out 4chan had also been planning to release a new feature. Apple Wave. They made claims that even MORE advanced algorithms that allowed the phone to be charged simply by popping it in the microwave. People really did this, by the way. And the news picked up on it too. Now it's hard to know for sure which of these tweets are real or hoaxes. And some of the news reports claimed that no one actually tried this at all. Hoever these pitiable cries on the Apple forums say otherwise. Now the next campaign only started a few days later. We decided to use an aluminum chassis. It was cheaper, lighter, but yes, you could bend the hell out of it. So #BendGate was born. A few companies even got in on the same stupid joke. We wanted you to prevent damage by being more careful with your phones. But instead, 4chan was there to make yet another marketing campaign. They decided Bend wasn't a bug, it was a feature that encourage users to bend the phone until their screen popped right out. And you did. The next two years passed without much happening. But then in 2016 we released the new iPhone 7. And courageously, it featured no headphone jack. But one Youtuber, TechRax, decided to tell people otherwise. And apparently, all you had to do, was drill for it. Article after article about people drilling into their phones. But we're just scratching the thin veneer of dumbassery. There was a bug that bricked your phone if you set the date to January 1st, 1970. So some idiot made a campaign there too. Big lines at the genius bar that week. But there's one last thing. We put a tiny seam in the side of your iphone 6. So that it pulled out your hair every time you put the phone up to your face. I made that design decision. I thought it was funny. And all of this brings us to today and your new iPhone. This is it. This is what you get. No more nice things. You can drown it. You can bend it. You can microwave it. Does it work? NO. But it's what you deserve." - Internet Historian
Games are like a puzzle. OK, some games ARE puzzles. Whatever, the point is... You need to have all the pieces fit. The more pieces that fit, the better the game is. Length, gameplay, story, sound, graphics, you get the picture. Sun/moon, I would say, are unfinished. But you don't need ME to tell you that, because GAMEFREAK told everyone that. So imagine my surprise when Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon were announced and that they were a 'retelling'. Now, I'm a simple man. I usually am very neutral about GameFreak sequel decisions. But this was the straw that just said 'No, I'm getting super angry now'. An incomplete beta was released to us for the grand total of 40$ each. Do you know how much that is these days when you struggle to pay rent?
So naturally, this is what we're going to do. I'll try my damndest to look at this game objectively, but I know, I KNOW a certain blonde haired character will have me devolving into a fucking screaming mess. Many, many parts of Sun/Moon are going to have me bitter, and at the end, I'm going to explain my pieces and why I'm right and YOU'RE NOT. With this out of the way, let's get started and lay down ground rules.
-No using Pokemon I used in the other games I reviewed or even my playthrough of Sun
-This means no Bewear (Debating on changing it just for this one)
-No Z-Moves except unique ones
-Most money must immediately go to good outfits (4/5ths)
-No avoiding trainer battles
-No EXP share
-Name Mombat something else because fuck you
-3DS theme at all times must be set to Team Skull during the playthrough
-Buy the Skull Tee
-Every Pokemon must be F E M A L E O N L Y or described as female
-Z-Move Lusamine's final Pokemon and make that bitch eat her hair
Got it? Welcome to the world of Pokemon! Aloha cousin, welcome to...
Pokemon Moon: Danse Les Etoiles
Posted: Jul 20 2017, 06:48 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 1: THE HOLY COCK
"IS THIS VIRTUA FIGHTER" "Why is this filter still better than the HD collection of Silent Hill?" "OHH, THE BUGS AND THE FISH ARE TEAMING UP!!" - TBFP play Escape from Bug Island
Thread Theme: Night of a new rave
So it's worth noting when you boot up the game, apparently games have gotten too cool for selecting 'new game' or getting your settings in order first. I dunno why GF did this crap, but I absolutely hate it because it means I have to not think about my decision to play a game I'm on the fence about actually making a large fucking thread for. Nevertheless, we select Yiddish for our language setting and take a short pissing break. We pray to God, take a pain pill, and strap ourselves in for a guided roller coaster ride around the Pokemon franchise's underachieving ass.
The scene opens to us talking to Professor Kukui on Skype. We immediately get an ad for Doctor Who which ends up crashing the application and filling the entire screen with a fucking Security Alert that doesn't fucking go away. OK, can I talk about how fucking good this opening music is? It perfectly embodies the game and it is CRIMINAL it doesn't use it more in the game. Ultra criminal! So this is the first game in full, non-chibi 3D. Everything is realistically sized to your character and you can move around in full 3D. So Kukui greets us, and Alola is a region made up of 4 islands. This is not realistic to Hawaii which boasts about...8? Probably 7. In any case, this is where we're going to be enduring hardships. 'Chock full of rare Pokemon' though? 80 is pushing it. Very, very much. Not that it matters.
Honestly, I would call Sun/Moon a very much anticipated game after OR/AS and X/Y. I would go as far as to say they're the only reason to consider burying OR/AS into the ground and never coming back. He releases a Rockruff and it is super duper cute. Kukui tells you that people in Alola depend on their Pokemon heaps loads and mounds. This'll be covered in a bit. For now, I think it's time to select our cha--Girl. Specifically the cocoa girl. She will be called Lyne. Lyne will be subjected to questioning everything she knows and suffer manic depression.
10-4 GOOD BUDDY
YEAH, THAT'S A NAME THAT HITS YOU LIKE A THUNDERBOLT OUT OF THE SKY! WOO!
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU IN PERSON THEN, COUSIN
The video call ends, and we're already in our room on our computer that cannot, sadly, play more engaging games. The screen zooms in on a closeup of the Aether Foundation. Lillie is running from the second best grunts in the series because she has a screw loose about it. She was scared and then the space fart telepohted her away. This took place 3 months ago, which make me wonder what happens in USUM. So we finally reach our house, where it's night. Because Hawaii was known for its nights where nothing of interest happens. In USUM, our mother finishes unpacking. In here, she just kind of
We have a pet cat who punches us awake because it's like fucking 12 AM.
>It's a WiiU!
I'm still wondering what the geography of the Pokemon world is. It must be a fucking conglomerate of bad decisions. Clearly since we were asleep until 4 AM, we must be full of energy. Lyne nods with the grace of a brick as her mom says 'ARE YOU READY TO MEET SOME ALOLAN POKEMON' Everyone wants to visit Alola, and Hawaii is honestly very beautiful. Much beautiful than that sinbucket Kalos. We have a full house. Fridge, bed, room, bathroo--oh wait, that's in USUM NEVER MIND, WE NEED TO HOLD IT IN LIKE ALWAYS. So Kukui has come to see us. Kukui...
Kukui is the best professor. I don't care what you say. Kukui is a god among Pokemen. He's cheery, outgoing, not confined to a fucking desk, and his design is honestly just cool and easygoing. Even his theme is lovely and tropical rock seems to be a big theme with him. He rules. He fought the Indigo Gym leaders suggesting he has a fat load of experience under his belt, and many other things about him are just delightful really. You get the feeling he's earned his position to get where he is. Which is something I don't feel from that fucking EMBARRASSMENT SYCAMORE.
We walk like a manchild into our room to get our hat and bag. We immediately want the clothes shope to get a better hat. So we're from Kanto. I'm not sure why we're both stark brown and came from Kanto, but Brock was there, soooo... Pele thinks my hat is nice, but in reality its making me look like I have no excuse for anything resembling 'style'. I don't have much of a plan for a team, I'm just gonna catch shit and see what happens. Onwards to Iki Town.
Welcome to paradise, cousin. This is the intervention for people who have PTSD from Kalos. It's a good region. I'll tell you why later. For now, we must follow Kukui to Iki town. The more you love Alola, the happier Kukui will be. I can't even make a joke here, I really want to like Alola in USUM and in this game. Perhaps replaying it can give me that spark I had when first playing it. So Kukui actively battles with trainers. He just feels so much better than Birch or Sycamore it's almost inspiring to see how much they saw Kalos shat onto the floor. Iki Town is where people worship the guardian deity on Melemele Island.
Iki Town is beautiful. Its building insides are beautiful. I wish you could go in each of them and greet your new neighbors. Tapu Koko keeps us all safe and happy, see? The Kahuna isn't here. He might be back on Mahalo Trail, but I doubt it. It's likely he's just a bit late. So we gotta do him a solid and try to scope out the Kahuna. I kinda wanna explore first so I'm gonna go into the house and comment on it. God I love the interiors in S/M. This girl and her Rockruff are so cute. They have a kitchen. A TV. A living room. A kitchen table.
>Just having Pokemon at your side makes you feel all warm inside, doesn't it? Eating dinner together, playing together, enjoying spending time together... It's pure happiness!
So we see Lillie and Nebby heading into the ruins. We go up Mahalo Trail and this music is actually super good. So Lillie can't fucking do anything because Lillie is a fucking...no, that's...later. That's...much later... For now, we have to save Nebby from being Pecked to death... I think my B button is broken... I need a new 3DS... Can I just say Tapu Koko is the best introed legendary in like, 5 years? Its appearance made fucking child's play out of those spearow and saved your ass. So we get give this stone... t's the Z-Ring, obviously. I'm not gonna use it much... Only on the battles... So this is cause for celebration. We just met the guardian deity of the region and got saved by him. I can't even be mad. Not evenat Lillie. Or anything.
...I think we'll cut here for a break. It's soft-resetting time for a female starter, so...
-Next Time: Blaine hurts more-
Posted: Jul 20 2017, 06:11 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 2: AUE LYNE, JUMP THAT BIG-ASS RAMP
Thread Theme: WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS MOTHERFUCKERRRRR
So wen we last leftoff, I may have broken for a while. It's not important. We escort Lillie back to town and prepare for the soft resetting session. So the Prof asks to look after Lillie, and I fucking hate this decision and hope it gets redacted in S/M. So Hala's back. Hala is a nice old man who can kick your ass and his own ass in a 4th dimensional hypercube of ass. He was missing because he was helping out the people of the island rather than just sitting here like a six piece chicken mcnobody. As a person who adores B/W1's gym leader interference in the Plasma finale, I am pleased to see this make a comeback.
So Tapu Koko is an apparent 'ehhhh' kind of God because he'd likely rather see humans sort things out for themselves rather than just rely on his ass. It's a very nice deity. Anyway, we have cause to celebrate. Lillie won't be joining us because frankly fuck Lillie. Sop we get to choose our starter, free of charge. The starter choosing cutscene makes you feel like you're actually connecting with your starter rather than it being impersonal. I expect this to change. So. What's going to be my choice, you ask?
Kaihalulu is born! Like I said, all females. Even the starters. hahaahaha
So we get a Rotom Pokedex... Basically it records facts about the POkemon you catch. Facts might be debatable, but the Pokedex entries get obscene enough to actually think we're finally real lifing descriptions or making them so crazy it warps to believable. So my Popplio is Impish and after the first time I did this, I'm going to roll with it since it's....ehh... I really want to reset but it shouldn't matter TOO much... Maybe the defense boost comes in handy but boy do I sure doubt it.
So this kid named Hau challenges Lyne to a fight. He sends out Litten. The good thing about Impish is that Lulu here can just seriously fuck people up while taking oodles of punishment, so it's not all bad. So Kukui teaches how to catch pokemon bla bla SKIP. Kukui gives us 10 Pokeballs and 5 Potions. The B button is pissing me off. Lyne can sometimes stop for no reason and all, and I;m not sure if it's just S/M or something. I'm going to write it off as Lyne half-asleep for this entire game. Here's hoping I can find a second member...
who the fuck put ledyba in this goddamn route like seriously
Second party member? Female Pichu. Serious. A serious Pikachu. God, could you give me a more boring personality? Fuck it, I'll count it as Quirky. I don't care about what this game gives me. I'd rather Pokesav this to change it. So we have to fight Hau again. Hau is... Hau. Lillie doesn't like watching Pokemon battles because she fucking sucks. Hau has his own Pichu. So Hau couldn't assault a baby, choosing Scratch over Ember which leads to Charm Spam reducing his litten to nothing. It's very cut and dry but the aesthetic is good. Koko loves our blood sport and all, being a very good sport about it. So our Island Challenge is basically 'you have to be coming of age now'. I'm not sure about it myself to be honest. We're STILL on the plot railroad, and we're not getting off for some time. Lillie comes to drag us to the next plot point.
So the Professor's house looks like it got hit by Nintendo's C/D orders. This is because the ballsy bastard decides to have Pokemon beat the shit out of him in his house. Remember how I said Kalos was a piece of shit? Not here. This time the aquarium has fish! So we get the Rotomdex. It's...an OK feature. I mean it's hard to get lost. But apparentl;y people do get lost even with this thing on. Fucking weirdos. Really, this lab is the comfiest fucking thing... Put a cold jungle outside, and ooooh...heaven...
Kukui did this out of the kindness of his heart. He's letting Lillie stay at his place in a loft. Very comfortably I might add. He doesn't even mind she can't do anything. What a great man... We get a Challenge amulet which is Necrozma's visor in USUM. Wait fuck that's a spoilerWe are set to go on our adventure at least. Not yet though. First we gotta go to school to actually become less of a fucking idiot. This is a long game. VERY long. Most of it is cutscene that I have to ramble on about. There was a very big amunt of love put into this place. It feels so comfy you just don't want to leave...
Kukui has a punching bag in the actual lab, and even a fucking dumbell. What I like about this area in general is that it really brings out Kukui's ersonality as well as his profession. The guy isn't just one and done, you can see his passion for moves in all the flavor text around here. Kukui dual monitors so you know he's got ample PC knowledge... There's data on the tank detailing what happens to moves underwater. It's very...very comfortable...
So comfortable... I can't...
what's happening to me
was i wrong in hating alola
Posted: Jul 21 2017, 10:51 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 3: THE ADVENTURE FINALLY BEGINS
"I didn't consent to this." - QuintonReviews
Theme Thread: It's all a fever dream at the end
Lillie takes me to the Trainer's School. The Trainer's School is mandatory now and I think it's just because its to teach kids how not to suck at the game. There'sd no real reason to ever come here afterwards. It's...honestly not worth talking about. I mean sure, there's a good building layout? But it's not the real meat of the game which starts after it. So Kukui hands me the EXP Share, which pretty much says 'all your Pokemon get experience'. Since we're not trying to mouthfuck the game's challenges, we turn it off. So. Four trainers. I have 3 Pokemon. Two are Pichus. Golly gee, I wonder what's going to be my party layout. Nothing says 'forced railroading' like this crap, honestly. So we beat all 4 trainers, one of which who has a fucking Grimer we won't even see till the third fucking island. We get the TM for Work Up for our troubles.
I get called to the 2nd floor office in the school. I don't understand, I only called Joseph a 'cheating motherfucker who isn't inventive or original for dropping a Pokemon who can't be caught yet so go fuck yourself'. Fantastic. Out of all the fucking Pokemon in any route, Grubbin would be the only one I give a shit about to actually attack it, but it doesn't get /shit/ to damage a fucking Magnemite. It's too early for these types to POP UP! So we take the slow route and just cycle through Pokemon to level them up because trainer Pokemon give good EXP. We get introduced to Ilima, who I am completely convinced swapped positions with a Trial Captain involving Fairy. I guess they thought Fairy and a guy trainer would be homophobic, I don't fucking know. Oh, occasionally, there's a bug where the text just enlarges and gets blurry. It makes me think I accidentally bumped the 3D slider up a bit and I'm scared about it. Ilima says to fill your team out a bit before fighting, but I don't even know what the FUCK you could care about aside from Magnemite, a Grubbin, or 'bird'. So people are saying to use 'status' conditions when I spammed Charm and Confusion and all that fun stuff because nothing says challenge like an inherently stacked deck. Thanks, Sun/Moon.
So now we get to see Hau'oli City, once again led around by Lillie like a fucking cocker spaniel. GO ON CHILD, PET THE 400 POUND BULL. So we pet it and Hala tells us we show Pokemon some 'care' in bright red letters. How ominous. So we get drug along by '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''friends''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' to go eat Malasadas. We don't actually eat anything here. Hau'oli is the biggest city in all Alola, which is bullshit since I would vote Malie as the biggest and best. So barring this crap, Hau'oli City is actually amazing and one of the reasons I was super excited for Sun/moon. Does it live up to the hype? Sssorta. It's no Castelia, but it'll certainly do for 'qualty of life' points.
'Heeeey, Lyne! I thought I recognized the sound of those feet!'
please never say that to me again
So we get the camera feature. Since this is Pokemon we're talking about, we watch our 3DS burn in agony because Pokemon is about as optimized as a drunken redneck attempting to speedrun Dark Souls. Basically Hau dragged us into the tourism center because it spoiled several lategame Pokemon. Uhm. Thanks? The Pokedex takes a picture of us to which I did not agree to because fuck these stupid people. Now. CLOTHES--never mind, more tutorials. Japanese people need hour long tutorials because otherwise they legit cannot think straight. I'm not even being an asshole, that's legit what happens. Listen. Don't ever try to get Version 5 of the PokeFinder. It is legitimately the biggest waste of time you could ever do. After changing our entire outfit to look more chic and preppy., I realize I have next to no money to keep changing my fucking hair color until I find a color I like. We get some hearsay about this dastardly Team Skull that forces battles against people. ... Hmm.
Anyway, we stuff our Pokemon fall of Malasadas... Whatever those are... And proceed to the MarinUNH UNH TEAM SKULL
GET DOWN DODODODOKUROOOO
UNH SKULL. GET DOWN. (dokuro) DOKUROOOO
So we're introduced to one of Gen VII's many positives. Team Fucking Skull baby, TEAM FUCKING SKULL
These guys can't assault a baby, but every scene they're in is just...mmm. Flawless in comedic timing. They are constantly fronting and speak in wangster. It's just great how much love was put into these guys. Every grunt feels like they have a story.
So after that, we get to fight captain dillhole and his lovely brand of 'Smeargle is the painter Pokemon, why doesn't Mina have a painter Pokemon'. I fucking hate this fight. I absolutely fucking hate it to goddamn high heaven because Smeargle is obscenely stupid with Technician at this point in the game. It's like when designing the balance they didn't design it fairly whatsofucking ever even though they're tools the player can use themselves. Yes, YOU can breakthe game, but why should you? You have to fucking powerlevel your starter to LVL 12-14 or they're gonna get their shit wrecked because the selection here is fucking garbage and Technician at this stage is stupid when your Smeargle could barely fucking fight back because of Sketch's limitations. Fuckhead walks off leaving me with 2 dead mons and a half-dead Popplio. Yeah thanks cunt. Break your fucking kneecaps.
The Pokemon Center in this game is fucking 5 stars. It reallyt feels like an outpost now where trainers come to relax and recover their spirits. The music is niceish I guess, but the aesthetic and building structure just makes you feel at ease.
Lillie decides to come back to attach herself to your hip. Apparently this bitch got lost in Hau'oli City. How the fuck this happened is beyond me consiodering this shit is nowhere near as bad as Lumiose. So we head to Route 2, where we can legitimately go graverobbing. Some bitch wants me to catch a Drifloon, and I have to admit, I'm a little curious to see how a Drifblim is. (Probably going to suck all manners of ass) oh that's adorable I can't even catch it IUNTIL DAY, WHICH IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE IN MOON
WHO FUCKING DECIDED THIS
GODDAMNIT I FUCKING HATE YOU PIECES OF SHIT FOR DOING THIS STUPID DAY/NIGHT CRAP
We run into Team Skull again and I stay the gun to my head for another day. Trial time. Fight three things. Team Skull interrupts you. You fight them off. Ho hum. So. You might be wondering how the fuck I pulled off a victory against sexy big dad Raticate.
Two Pichus using Charm on the Totem Pokemon totally gimps it, with Popplio using the screenclear Disarming Voice makes short work of it. It's very easy to actually win if you have a modicum of thought.
Lillie got lost. Nebby got out of the bag. Lillie is in the Meadow. We punch herWe help her out and get Nerbby back for her. hau fights us
hau has a PIKACHU AND I FUCKING DON'T
WHAT'S IT TAKE FOR THESE LITTLE TURDS TO EVOLVE
FUCK THE FRIENDSHIP STAT I AM SO FUCKING MAD
So we get back to Iki Town to fight Hala. He's the final obstacle in Melemele. He uses fighting mons. Hala likes to use Crithax which seemingly hit EVERY FUCKING TIME. Wiuthout fail. Truly a fucking fight for the fucking ages. Cheating fucking game. So we get the Ride Pager. Ilima fixed it up. Lillie forces us into helping her because Lillie is a demon spawn. We have somewhere to go first. There's a guy who wants a Rockruff in Ten Carat Hill, and to be fair I would like one too. So let's go snag one.
Inside Ten Carat Hill, it appears like this was once a volcano. In the grassy Hollooooooooooooooooooooiuytretyuioiuytrewq2w345uyt65654zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ
Posted: Jul 22 2017, 05:21 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 4: AKKKKAAAALLKKKKAAASASS
The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
We're off to Akala Island and I can't feel my soul. I want some shoes for my heroine because that is a responsible usage of money. Akala is... Akala is...
Horrible. It's time to fuck me over.
So we take a boat to Akala with Lillie and Hau and the professor. It's an old boat and the biggest reason I like the full 3D aspect is because now I can't fucking complain it's not putting as much effort into the models. You know, Kalos would really benefit from being bigger. So we make land at Hea'Hea City. Kukui's shit-eating grin gives me life. It's so perfect.
THE LAND IS AHOY MY BOY
So we get introduced to the island's Kahuna Miss Christmas Cake and Ms. 'I broke the fucking internet because I was in an anime reference sheet', Olivia and Mallow. Mallow is a chef and that's the extent of her character because fuck you Akala is terrible. Akala is a big fucking roundabout expressed only through shit that don't make no fucking sense. From the top to the bottom of Akala, nothing will feel 'right' to you. It's also as generic as you can get for 70% of it. Basically, we're in for a bad time.
Lillie stops us yet again to give us our next plot advancement by going to Tapu Lele to have her power Nebby up to maximum. It's getting to the point where Alola starts to rear its ugly side. 'Even I can't get lost when it's right there, I think'. What do you mean 'you think'? How the fuck could you get lost in Heahea? Oh my god, you DUMBSHIT. Lillie says be careful about Team Skull when it's obvious I don't really care too much. So it's actually hard to earn money in Alola. That's why NUggets are scattered around everywhere.
So no, we can't just go anywhere fun. This guy and his motherfucking Stoutland should have been murdered by a goddamn firing squad because he literally roadblocks us to the plot. Because of fucking course he does, why would anyone ever want to explore? I buy a new hat for Lyne because of course I do. Naturally, FUCKING NATURALLY, this douchebag has led me to fucking Sina and Dexio to remember Kalos and its stupid fucking plot that went nowhere. I hate this island. Fuck this island.
SO SINA HAS A FUCKING GLACEON
AT THIS POINT IN THE FUCKING GAME THAT'S LIKE POINTING A GODDAMN M2A82 AT SOMEONE WITH A FUCKING KNIFE
FUCK YOU KALOS
FUCK YOU IN YOUR EAR FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Fucking bitch. I hope she gets fucking nuked in USUM by the glorious saviors, the Ulttttttt. Her stupid region and her stupid goddamn fucking Glaceon. Stupid fucking design decisions. It's like this is a badly made ROMhack which can't fucking decide what the FUCK IT WANTS.
WOW THANKS FOR THE WORST SIDEQUEST IN POKEMON HISTORY DOUCHEBAG, I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR LEGS
This is such bad design I'm almost forced to use the EXP Share. So you can't go back to Melemele to LVL up freshly caught Pokemon. Naturally my team is frail at best. Brionne is the only one who can get punched in the face and actually not die. Pichus are so frail I can't even see why they're worth outside of Nasty Plot. It's just such a fucking grind with arbitrary mechanics like 'friendship' or 'Affection' that my team isn't hitting an emotional connection with me. So rather than Hotel Richissime which had 5 fully explorable floors, Tide Song Hotel, for its massive size, just has the lobby. You really don't know how much this pisses me off.
So after going through the shortest Route since Kalos: Act 1, we arrive at Cowboy Town, AKA Paniola. So I don't know why this is here. Sure, I mean, it's a good town. A good personality. A good layout. But I'm not even sure if this fits on this region. Unova maybe, but Alola? Hawaii? I don't get it. So Hau decides we haven't had enough punishment from the game and fights us at Paniola. I didn't even have to switch Pokemon, Rock Throw handled everything.
>You know, Pokemon battles are basically some you win, some you lose, right?
>But you're only really a loser if you don't have any fun doing it, right?
are you fucking mocking me
So we leave cowboy city and go to the route with the huge ranch. I'm starting to lose track of time on what I'm supposed to be doing here. Miltank's run animation is fucking great, by the way. I'm half tempted to use one myself. So I approach a Tauros and it hates me. So the ranch hands call the Mistress of the Rach: Miltank. She fucking tries to stop his shit, but it's having none of it So we gotta do this ourselves and punch him. I should note the tiny bug has brought this thing to a fucking standstill. It fucking wrecked it and I love my tiny, serious bug of hate. I pick up my 5th member of my team. Miltank. With this, I now have a replacement for Bewear. It's Quiet but it's not too big of a loss. I'll take it over Modest.
So Miltanks are actually stupid strong, and probably might have been a cornerstone of Gen II OU because they are SUPER versatile, fast, and strong. And defensive! Much defensivo. Seriously, these guys are something else. Use one. I mean I'm kind of bummed I won't be able to use all Alola stuff, but I think I've honestly stopped caring with how inaccessible GameFreak makes everything. So bugger it, Kanjohian shit it is. Did I mention Milk Drink can be used to field heal teammates? So fucking cool. ... Oh. It's not in this game. OK. I mean that was super cool, but OK. You remove that then, GameFreak.
So Paniola's ranching route is uh...eh? Who the fuck?
Noddy Portent here is actually one of the better characters in the franchise, imo. He's such a parody that he has enough character development to feel real, and yet also straight blankfaced. His partner, Type: Null, is dangerous for this point in the game, and is the only one to realistically beat Hau. Uhm. I was gonna say something witty here, but this Miltank destroyed his Null. Like for real. I have never felt less threatened. I'm kind of impressed at how good Miltank is here. Oh well. Not complaining... So Gladion gets stiffed by other Skull members because he's an asshole. Rude. So. It's about time we actually kill that Water trial.
Pichu /finally/ evolves and I am at ease.
So. Brooklet Hill was actually one of my most anticipated areas of the game, with its limestone patterns and clearest waters. So how is it in action? ... Eh. There's never a reason to come back here, despite the Kyogre joke. I am gonna lose it if they decide to make do on it in USUM. In any case, the place at least still looks nice. The trial is basically 'surf towards thing, kill thing', then repeat. Not much to worry about to be frank. Oh, worth noting you're never going to those limestone hills. Ever. Thank you S/M, you didn't even follow good on that. The cloudy weather and the rain is actually stunning for this area, and it disappoints me that Alola doesn't have more rain/weather. Maybe next time, eh muchachos?
Totem Wishiwashi. This is the wake up call boss of the game. If you don't take care of that wishiwashi, you're in for a WORLD of hurt. So how, pray tell, do you beat it? First off? Forget the other Wishiwashi. Take out the main Wishiwashi asap. Throw EVERYTHING you have at it before it Helping Hands you and pray it uses Soak because its Water Gun is nothing to laugh at. So I actually won because my Pikachu survived its water gun... Twice with Amie bonuses. Power of love, kids. Never laugh at it.
So we beat the Water trial and showed Lana who the fuck rules the seas around here. She gives us the Waterium Z and a fishing rod. NOw it's worth noting that this was not entirely optional. This was mandatory to clear yet another roadblock. This is getting tiring. We head back to the Pokemon center and we get ready to tackle the next triaaaaASSARTREDSDDSDFDFFDDDDDDDFFDXJ,KJ.JKGFDSTRTR6Y7EW
watch the skies
Posted: Jul 23 2017, 06:38 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 5: HOP HOP BASS DROPPIN'
'Is this even like, would you even call this produced?' - Caleb from Quinton Reviews
Thread Theme: then we got prospector john dancing in the fucking background like he just found gold
Where were we? Oh right, going to round out Akala today. I want to get this island fully over with because in the words of Niko Bellic, 'I CAN'T STAND THIS SHIT'. So we make our way back to Paniola Ranch in the time it takes to sneeze and recover from it. You really don't know how short Alola is until you finish the fucking plot. It's incredible. So we clear those Sudowoodo out of the way because fuck them, the little shitty roadblocks. So this kid tells us abot the Battle Royal Dome and hahaha, it's not really...
So on Route 6, AKA the shameless breeding route so much that they named it STRAIGHT STREET and told you PEOPLE RUSH UP AND DOWN THIS ROAD ON TAUROS THE WHOLE TIME, well. We get stopped by a Mudsdale, and a tiny girl named Hapu. I'm not sure how old she is, but she's old enough to make you ever regret fighting her. She's being hustled by Team Skull. By now we could effectively make them wish they were never born. We utterly destroy a Drowsee and we're granted access to the worst area ever made. Not the town itself surrounding it, no. But the facility itself... Oh my God.
The Battle Royal Dome. You misspelled 'Royale', GameFreak. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. This is an awful area of sin and punishment. We see Gladion entering the Dome and I immediately turn right and go to the Megamart. We can actually see what people eat in the Pokemon world in here, and I could not be fucking happier. We got fresh fillets, fish tips, lean cuts from Hoenn, Tamato Chips, Sinnohan Poffins, Lava Cookies... It's fucking fantastic. Also, you remember how inhumane Slowpoke Tail was in Gen II? Yeah nah, GF said 'fuck that' and made Alola have it as a full-on delicacy with salads, sandwiches, and quiches. There's even ice cream and fresh cakes. Instant Noodles, curry noodles, dry pasta you can eat...
Well, back to hell. So we get into the Battle Royal Dome and we see Kukui--I mean, THE MASKED ROYAL. There's no way he could be Kukui. No way at all. So we have a foursome against Gladion, Hau, and Mr. Royal himself. OH MY GOD THE LAG, SOMEBODY HELP ME--oh it's over. Wow, seriously Masked Royal? A Rockruff is all you use? Jesus. Just... Jesus.So Kiawe comes and tells us 'yo, sick moves using Brick Break on a defenseless dog. By the way? Real battles here? Don't even fucking bother. Normal, Master, it doesn't matter. This place fucking cheats like its going out of goddamn style. Mega Rings, Pokemon with HAs you can't even GET, 31, 252, the whole nine yards and the football field.
We go toWela Volcano park and final;ly complete my team. A cute little Bashful Female Salandit. There is no volcano in Wela Volcano Park. It says there is, but there is not. Thank you, Gamefreak. Nothing says effort like no volcano in the volcano park. There's nothing noteworthy about Kiawe's trial. It's a 'spot the difference' game with the easiest totem in the game. I won't spoil it, but it is pretty funny. Aw hell. COME MY FINE HIKER
So yes, that paragraph was the entire fire trial. Great job. So if you're wondering why ALL of Akala was gonna be covered today, the next two don't have much of anything inbetween them. So we're headed straight to Lush Jungle now that we have our full team. By the way, don't evolve your Pika into a Rai just yet. You NEED Thunderbolt. And I';m not sure where the TM is, so... So we get the ability to Fly. We don't need to go anywhere now unless you really missed something. Oh look Poke Pelago. TIME TO BREAK THE GAME.
Now I haven't been catching much at all. But I got a Rainbow Bean and that's all we need. I feed it to the newly caught Salandit and now she wants me. A whopping full 4 hearts, putting her at evens with the rest of the team. Now. Let's start leveling her up. Oh hai Colress. It's science bishonen! He's wearing an overcoat in goddamn Alola. He gives us the TM for Flame Charge and fucks off to never been seen again until postgame.
We get the first glimpse of the Aether Foundation. Everyone was savvy enough to know these fuckers are evil as hell. Team Skull apparently ripped off a Slowpoke Tail. Hey GameFReak, remember the Slowpoke Tail dishes in the supermarket? You can't complain that's evil then say it's 110% yummy and sell it around in Alola like hotcakes. Dumbasses. So Route 8 is a seaside route with, surprise, more nondescript greenery. You can catch a Stufful here, but frankly, it might not be worth--yes it is get one get one get one
So there's this guy who wants to make a park filled with fossil Pokemon. How much you want to bet that'll be in USUM? We visit Gladion then Gladion says 'Get out'. Fair enough, I'm intruding actually. In any case, prep your team to be LVL 20 before swinging into the jungle. The Totem Pokemon is... Well. I'll talk about it in a bit.
The Lush Jungle is actually pretty awesome...in theory. 4 ingredients and you have to literally sniff them out with Stoutland... If yu're not a total maroon. You can find the spots super easy because there's 4 paths for eaxh ingredient. We're doing a cooking trial which just involves a fetch quest... Because why not. So the trial is dead easy, the boss... The boss is...
Fucking horrifying. This is the kind of challenge that actually makes it feel, y'know, legitimate. If you don't know what the fuck you're doing, you're getting creamed. Totem Lurantis is a sharp cry fromthe rest of the game, having strategy and combos with partner Pokemon that really draw out its natural strength. It starts off with a Trumbeak to ruin your own strategies with Supersonic and pluck, then gets to using a Castform. Yes, that Weather using dipshit. See, Lurantis has a powerful move called Solar Blade. It comes equipped with Synthesis and a POWER HERB. If your water Pokemon get hit, they're going down. No ifs or asses here. Now is a great time to use a Salandit. It's the only thing that can survive all of its moves and wear it down efficiently. I loved this boss. It's just a shame none of the totem Pokemon do something this crazy. Oh well...
Kukui comes by to comment on our progress. We're almost done fellas. Just a bit more and we's be free. We get Smart Strike for our troubles and this is basically to call us a bitch and put it on our Pokemon. Only we have no Pokemon that can use it. Super. So we can't go just yet, we have to go through, yet again, more unevolved story. So Lillie's trying to imitate us, which is cute because I'd never use fucking Cosmog. So we see a face you thought you'd never see. Professor Burnet. She's the chief researcher here and also Kukui's wife. So if you wonder why you don't see abysmal, horrible, shitty bara art of him, that's why. Thank God for that. IN any case, Burnet starts talk about the UltraaaaaAAAAaa WormholllllllLleEEEeeEeeee wormhole rmhole ullllltrrrrr which is a hole in the sky over Alola. There are creatures that come from these portals. Even in Pkemon, proof of different dimensions exist, but the creatures are called UlllllllllllUlULulUL Beeeeabebbbbb which the guardian deities fought desperately to repel them. Burnet took Lillie in when she was dying on shore. Our next stop is Diglett Tunnel.
Wouldn't you know it? A crack in the sky appeared, just like one of those UUuuuUUUuuuUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
We see Olivia talking to some Aether fucks. We gotta go through it to reach Konikoni City.
This is the first time we are actually, properly introduced to the Aether Foundation. They tell us who they are who are totally not evil orderlies dedicated to Pokemon conservation and destructive tendencies. So Aether is doing a nice good and trying to get people to fight less shit. How nice, right? Team Skull finally grew a brain and decided to double team us at last. We reach Konikoni which has a good, ethnic vibe. We immediately go buy some clothes. Fuck you, I'm PRETTY
So after buying some sandals we get to the real important shit, the Ruins of Life. Yeah, detour time because of fucking course. Lillie's fault yet againbecause she can't stop ruining the adventure for everyone else because she refuses to fight despite it being an important part of life. And here we have Rusty Venture fighting off a horde of wangsters. Rusty tells us to fight in his stead and chump them. We do. Heading further up the path lets us see a new face.
Plumeria is pretty neat. She cares about the Skull grunts and hates that you're making them your bottom bitch. So we show her what nice people we are and hurt the fuck out of her. Plumeria is mainly a test to see if you can handle the Grand TRial. If you at any point feel threatened by her, go grind right the fuck now.
>Lillie couldn't even find her way to the Tide Song Hotel on her own
holy fucking shit i hate you
So bla bla LIllie shows up with Burnet blabla Nebby blabla Tapu Lel blabla FIGHT THE KAHUNA TIME NOW ENGAGE
Olivia is only moderately more difficult than constipation. If you have any water type, the battle's already won. She lacks the actual threat Hala does, but that'll be rectified later... Yes. Much later. So we've finally beaten Olivia, allowing us to go to the next island... After a certain visit to the Aether Foundation. We have to go to Hano Grand Resort and it'd be rude to keep the man waiting... So there's a celebrity Pikachu outside which Ihate because of course its a Pikachu, fuck you.
Hano Grand Resort is incomplete so I already hate it despite how good it looks. Maybe GF can get their heads out of their asses so they can fix it. We could pick upPyukumuku or Sandyghast here but they take too long to level so fuck it. So Rusty Venture introduces himself as Faba, which is shorter so I'll use it. He invites us to Aether Paradise which is that artificial island on the map. After Aether, Kukui tells us to meet at Malie City, one of my favorite cities from the game. So we're going to take a boat there! Away we go, friends.
Aether Paradise is... Look, I'll get to it when we come back a second time. For now, let's just say it shows off why Pokemon should have stayed in full 3D. Faba says they're develping all sorts of new techlnology, balls, candies, all for the sake of 'conservation'. Wicke is the biggest red herring ever. Everyone thought she'd be fucking evil, but it turns out she's the only one who doesn't buy into the evil shit going on. So we go upstairs to the actual conservation area. So we go upstairs and see the safe space for all the Pokemon. I feel like this will come back to bite us in the ass. We see Lusamine at last.
Lusamine is a walking spoiler and she's managed to make me hate her more than Ghetsis ever could try. She's over 40 years old and looks great though. THat's what really matters, right? You fucking simpletons only care about your 'mommy~!' and your fucking degenerate manlet charges despite her fucking craziness. It's so visible. Even in the first meeting, her first sentence, you can see this bitch is beyond evil. So something's wrong. A portal opens up... AndddAnDFnAGdsaANDANDAND JELLLLLLLYYYYYFFFIIIISSHHHH
Posted: Jul 23 2017, 07:41 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
H E L P
It has come to my attention that the filthy humans are winning. Well they are NOT able to beat spawn points!! We will use a portal to push everyone into an atlantic ocean!! CHAPTER 2, THEY
DA ULTRUH BEESTS WIN AND ALL OF THE HUMANITY IS ENSLAVED!!1111!
EVERYONE DIEDED AND TEH LILLIE IS FOREVR ERASED!!2
Posted: Jul 23 2017, 01:04 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 6: ULA'ULA UNDULATION
"You have a receipt for this baby? Can I take him back?" - dunkey
Thread Theme: Best Island
Hold still, Ah'm gonna heal ya.
What the fuck happened? All I fucking remember is Lusamine cracking a smile as she says she'll save someting and she WILL love it. Weird fucking cunt. In any case, we get to go to Ula'Ula now. She talks about preserving the...you know I can't remember that much right now, oh well. Free malasadas for the road I guess. Sure? We get a TM for the move Psychic but we don't have much use for it right now. It's no big deal. Hau wants to fight us and he has 3 Pokemon this time. He is actually kind of difficult this time. If you're not careful, you might actually get the shit beaten out of you. Especially if all your Pokemon are frail as fuck.
Lillie prevents us from going anywhere but Malie Garden, the cunt. So Hau blocks the easy path because 'fuck you', forcing us to go the long way around. Great, huh? oh fuck oh fuck shiny masquerain oh fuck GOT IT YES YES YES WOOHOO
After that detour and huge grinding session later, we proceed forward and find Kukui while Hau didn't move a fucking inch. Thanks asshole. So he tells me to go to the bus stop to take a bus up to our next trial. This is it, Luigi. We're almost there. Of course Lillie drags us to Malie Library because of course she does the lout. In any case we're stopped AGAIN by Samson Oak. He doesn't do anything important. Next. We enter Malie Library and see Acerola put a book in front of Lillie. The Light of Alola...
'oh fuck dis portal had a bat come out and smash dat alola button lol'
What a great story. Very nice. So we're headed to the Electric trial next. We can actually explore a little i what must be the first off the rails segment of the entire game. Great start, S/M. Of course we don't get far. Because S/M isn't about adventure, you see. It's just about roadblock after roadblock to keep you on rails because how dare you notice how small Alola is, chump. The Skull Grunts are trying to take the bus stop sign so no one can ride the bus... Genius. So we tell them to fuck off, and Kukui comes on up. He namedrops the League because 'fuck tradition, cousin'. In any case we go up the mountain. Atop Mt. Hokulani, we can see Mt. Lanakila, the tallest Alolan mountain so far. The two are both on the same island, meaning Ula'Ula is the finale and where the plot reveals itself.
So Molayne is criminally underrated and needs a bigger role. He's a very honest, earnest man and I think he stands out just for being a former captain. He adventured with Kukui and he'sall about Steel. He has a Metang which is frankly impossible for me to get. I mean. I could attempt to catch a fucking Beldum. Attempt. But frankly I am not i the mood for a 3 Catch rate. Moving right along, we enter the observatory proper.
>Do you like Festival Plaza
i would burn it to the ground for one tic tac
So it's yet another Electric type quiz. How fucking fascinating. You've seen Clemont's Gym, you've seen this trial. Only difference is the Pokemon actually attack you. If you have anyphysical rock move, use it. It fucking destroys this thing without much of an issue. So the Professor left his mask behind and we have to go back to Malie Garden to give it to him. It's about time... Seems like Kukui has ran into Team Skull.
DO DO DO DO DOKURO
It's ya boi, Guzma. This motherfucker is the best character in Sun/Moon and I'll literally fight you on the street if you disagree. He has more personality and character than anyone in Pokemon ever. It's absolutely stunning how they made him an insta-favorite. Now then. Guzma right now isn't exactly...challenging. Team Skull just kinda...isn't. But that's the point. They're hoboken teenagers trying desperately to live. His boss theme?
Guzma's signature Pokemon is his Golisopod. It is a beast of a Pokemon with power to spare. What's very interesting about Guzma is he's the only one of Skull o actually be a challenge with what little he has to offer. Guzma fucking WHIPS Lysandre 3 any day of the week because his Bug Pokemon are equipped to kill. Fell Stinger can really fuck you up if you're not paying attention, and it's a +3 boost now upon a K.O. Definitely can catch you off guard because the rest of the game can easily lure you into thinking its a fucking cakewalk.
We get our Primarina's Z-Crystal which is honestly the best animated Z-Move. I wish my Primarina wasn't fucking Impish so I could properly turn it into a nuke. Oh well. There's always RP... Lillie's an idiot and got lost. Again. No matter, she ain't what we're here for. So what exactly is stopping us? Well the rocky road ahead will break our fucking ankles. Next up is...the Ghost trial. So Hapu shows up and reveals she's a lesbian for Lillie. We then get Mudsdale, which allows us to cross the rocky road. I might...be in a huge jam. I don't have anything Dark typed... What I do have is a Scrappy Miltank, but I'm not sure how far that's going to take us.
So Gladion tells us to keep Cosmog safe since it can summon the ubergestalt. We don't want that to happen, and we need to protect it for sure. So Team Skull knows about Cosmog. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened. It's no big deal. We reach the oasis, and I think this update has gone on long enough...
-Next Time: Sandopolis-
Posted: Jul 25 2017, 11:29 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 7: ULA'ULA CONTINUED
God I love Ula'Ula. There's so much potential here and some of its even realized. I'm breaking away from memes just to party around Ula'Ula. Let's go into Haina Desert first! I'll talk about the place I'm in and Blush Mountain when I get out. For now, let's go get lost in a desert maze which actually feels fairly frustrating. But that's OK, the rest of Ula'Ula more than makes up for it, containing some of my favorite locations in Pokemon.
thank you gamefreak every time i try to hype myself up for something in your game that's actually fun you seal it off like a fucking homicide
this is why no one likes you
So let's talk about Blush Mountain instead. Blush Mountain is home to Alola's geothermal power plant which presumably powers Alpla. In the distance, the camera tilts up to a MASSIVE power plant. It feels like we'll actually go here in S/M rather than be locked out of it in X/Y because GameFreak can't commit despite having a developer base that is higher than 90% of Triple A companies. The geothermal museum is all we have access to though. The museum is actually very well made, having basic facts about what geothermal energy is like in the Pokemon world using accessible knowledge. I love this. I really love it. We can actually see a miniature model of the geothermal power plant and arrows connecting various buildings together. It's safe to assume we can actually see how it would/will progress as you walk through it. But I doubt it's ever gonna be realized.
There's cameos from Kalos and Kanto's power plants, explaining how they work very well and with intelligence. Kalos is more of a stretch, but that's to be expected. Moving right along...
Route 13 is probably one of my favorites in this whole game. First off, I was actually super interested in it when I saw Alola's map. It looked like a bunch of trailers where people were resting on their long, powerful journey. That's exactly what it is and I'm glad motels and these exist so much. The insides of the mobile homes are very well crafted, with merchandise and basic living functions everywhere. There's someone in here who gives backstory on Team Skull, saying that it was once formed by the island kahuna of Ula'Ula. It was split up by Tapu Bulu given, well, the kahuna was breaking the rules of not destroying Alola. I hope we learn about this Kahuna in the 'retelling'. It's also home to a nice-looking oasis before Haina Desert. It's really great how comfortable you can get here. But wait, I'm not done talking about how good Ula'Ula's getting. We gotta go do the Ghost trial.
We come into Tapu Village, where it's almost always raining. The village has long since been destroyed, and what's different about it from Kalos's shitty ruins is that these feel like they have history to them and make you wonder 'I wish I could have seen this place in full'. I hope GF got their act together... I really do. So you might be wondering where the Ghost trial is. Well, there's a ruined Megamart down south. But sadly, we can't just waltz over there. We have to go visit Lillie--I mean the captain of the next trial there. So we go to the Aether House, a shelter where humans and Pokemon can rest there. Naturally,this means Lillie will get kidnapped because Lillie is incompetent. Damn if the place don't look and feel nice though. YOu can really get a clean, sterile feeling from inside.
So we head outside and oh look, Lillie is being assaulted by Team Skull grunts. How nice. We defeat him and Lillie is thanking us. Bitch catch a fucking Pokemon. I'm getting tired of this. At least she gave us some Luxury Balls. One grinding session later, the pathway is clear. Worth noting the Megamart sign is old too, and rotted with paint dripping down. A very nice touch. Route 14 looks like it got hit by a goddamn a-bomb. I actually really love this place and the trial. It's constantly raining and its got a good monochrome feeling to it. Perfect for ghosts. There's even a broken lighthouse on the waters that has a TM for Shadow Ball. No more troubles. Ever.
The music for the Megamart is fucking trippy. Someone had fun with it because occasionally it goes from left audio channel to right audio channel. Alspo, you can hear the rain pouring outside. I'd like it better if it had no music to be honest. So poltergeist activity is what we need to snap photos of. You go up to a spook, then you snap a photo of the ghost. Then you kill it. Very simple. The final area is honestly fucking bizarre. Line after line of Pikachu merchandise dots the walls in a single storage room. A Pikachu lured you in here... Only now.. It's a Mimikyu~!
Totem Mimikyu can be super strong, even with Shadow Ball. Your best bet is to actually Z-Move it once you drop its Disguise. It hits like a fucking mack truck, so be careful on how you actually approach it. So it turns out that storage room never existed. This, everyone, is a Fairy Circle! How exciting! Very interesting changeup from the norm, I should say. Mimikyu gives Acerola a jumpscare, and in the BG, you can promptly see it leaving. One of my favorite trial Pokemon by far. Well, better go see how Lillie's doing--oh no she's still here. Plumeria has come to visit. We Z-Move her and fuck her Golbat, then Raichu OHKOs Salazzle. The end. Basically, the kid's Pokemon got stolen. We have to go to Po Town now... Oooh, I've been waiting for Route 16!! I can't wait any longer, let's go!!
It's Grimsley. UNCLE Grimsley to be exact. He's going to flip a coin. Heads or tails? Answer: Neither. He was going to cheat like a bastard. I like Grimsley's cameo here. It's not too intrusive, and it's more relaxing and well-done than, say, A CERTAIN DUO. With Sharpedo we can now explore the seas! There's not much ion them now, but the surfing theme is top goddamn notch. 10 stars. It really makes you feel like you're going into the mysterious seas.
Route 16 is home to one of my favorite things. Fuck Po Town for a second, let me tell you about this kick fucking ass route and what it holds. This meadow isn't so stellar, but that's not the point. It may be just a barebones connecting point to Po Town and my fave place, but ah TO HELL WITH IT
Lake of the Sunne is my favorite place in all of Pokemon. Bar none. When I found this p[lace without spoilers, I was actually, legit excited. Every door in here feels like it has a story. Every piece of debris. Every rendewred area. The place is suspended above a whirlpool of madness seemingly leading into a bottomless hole. There's 7 pillars supporting it which makes it feel like something special is going to happen. The place actually has a lot more areas to enter, and one of my biggest wishes is that GF expands upon the area and makes it so we can explore everywhere here. There's water leaking down off the walls despite no water being able to be seen. The entire place feels frozen in time. You can come back after the story to get a Cosmog of your own, and also crossing into an alternate dimension. We won't be doing that though. The pillars themselves are giant too, so it's not like there's nothing to explore in there either. It's just...a masterpiece of visual storytelling. Thank you GF, for finally making something like this.
Route 17 is home to a certain Kahuna's house. DOKURO
Naturally, the route is crawling wityh Skull Grunts. Ula'Ula just has some of my favorite places I swear. The route itself isn't too interesting sadly, but Skull Grunts and the like hang out here without even much an eye bat. It turns out Team Skull hates people who are on the island challenge. They all tried. They failed... They're super mad over it,and so is Guzma. It's time to meet the second best character of the game..
Nanu is the Kahuna of Po Town, and we just passed his house which had 8 Alolan Meowth in it. He likes cats. A lot. Nanu is apparently on good terms with Team Skull. They let you in after Nanu gives them a bit of a talk. How curious. It's almost like they're...testing you. Nanu and Team Skull will be elaborated on at the end of the LP, as will everyone else. So this...is Po Town.
Po Town is my second favorite area of the game. It's a big town surrounded by walls of some kind, presumably by the Alolans to keep the Tapu from destroying it outright. It seems like this was a resort town, where rich people bought houses to stay. NOw Team Skull have taken it for themselves and turned it into their own personal hangout. Te entire place feels so well-done I can't help but come back here to relax. My only regret is we only go into one house... The Skull Mansion. But this place is cool too! The dialogue here is some of the best in the series. I mean, they're not difficult at all... But they got heart goddamnit. There's a Skull Grunt rapping ontop of a truck ffs, how can you hate that?
So thebiggest house here is a mansion where all the Skull Grunts hang out. Where Guzma, Plumeria, and everyone relaxes. Its also the last line of defense for Team Skull. This house used to belong the the Alolan royals themselves. It is...so good. So fucking good. If they had power, they'd likely be playing Mario Kart here. The entire place has a homely feel to it despite the fact that Guzma likely destroyed everything in here. No real matter. Also everyone is canonly named 'Grunt' in Team Skull. One guy even chastises you for going into the rooms uninvited. The place has power, though. I think Guzma likes his grunts playing games. Their merch is prolly all stolen though...
We tell the guy three passwords and then NO at the end. That's it. This stumped people. Fucking hell. We go into Guzma's room. The guy has a throne with laptop and some goddamn wine on handtables next to it. This motherfucker knows how to live. So we fight Guzma again. His team is unchanged, but don't you think it's odd? It's almost like... This was a trial. First Impression really fucking hurts, by the by. So.. Yeah. That's Po Town. Guzma leaves after we kick his ass... Which means we should go back to Lillie. Nanu shows up and basically self-loathes. He heals our Pokemon up for us as a nice gesture of telling us to fuck off. Nanu and Acerola are basically like grumpy old dad and daughter. It's adorable to see their chemistry and gives some info on Nanu's true intentions. oh no lillie is gone who would have thought
So Plumeria dragged her away by the hand because Lillie can't fucking catch a real Pokemon. Gladion comes in and fucking DECKS US HOLY SHIT. Gladion has 3 Pokemon now. He caught a Sneasel on Mt. Lanakila. He's gonna use a Weavile. Other than that, there's not much to be afraid of here. Nanu shows up and express regret that Team Skull is wrapped up in someone far, far more dangerous than themselves. But wait. HE WANTS A BATTLE. So Nanu is actually pretty beefy. He can also come out of nowhere, but it's clear he's testing to see if you can go in 'that place' as you are. He's a great character. One of the best character in Pokemon history. Thank you. In any case... We're done with Ula'Ula. Now... The real fight starts.
-Next time: Top Ten Anime Betrayals-
Posted: Jul 25 2017, 01:50 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 8: AETHER ARMAGEDDON
"Don't you dare say a word about this being fun." - Gladion
Thread Theme: To Hell
Welcome to the Aether Foundation. Enjoy your stay.
We take a Skull Boat to the Aether Foundation. We have to go rescue Cosmog from Aether itself. But why, you may ask? You'll see...if I can say it... So this is the new Aether Foundation. Aether Employees are fucking scary. They give me B/W1 Plasma vibes in how cutthroat they are about destroying everything. The males have insane smiles, and the girls have a blank stare with no soul in them. Fighting them is scawy. There's also a great theme simply known as 'Infiltration' or 'Rescue Lillie' in the OST that only plays here. It's actually the creepiest part of this whole game. You feel nothing but oppression here and its lovely. This may be a short update, but it's an important one.
The Aether themes are actually very sinister and creepy. It outdoes Flare's entire genocide motif by miles. Everyone in Aether Paradise has their own reasons for being here. Money, blood, conservation, domination... It makes me feel like these guys are a global threat we're going to be seeing again in the near future. The dock area is crawling with Aether fucks, s come prepared because you're not gonna have a chance to go back once you get too far in.
Faba decides to chastise us after Gladion shows he's related to Aether. Faba is fucking pathetic. Only one Pokemon and its a fucking Hypno.
So now we're in Aether's basement. This is where biological experiments are done to kill others and make abominations of science. They aim to tear the boundaries of the world apart as well. There's three doors down here, yet we can only enter one of them. The music in here is genuinely unnerving and probably has the best atmosphere in the series. So we're looking through Secret Labs A and B. There's three employees down here without names. I call them Marcus, Larry, and Damien. They all seem like they were supposed to fight you all at once. But it's OK if they don't.
So Gladion has a blink and you'll miss it moment if you don't talk to him. He says something that makes me hate Lusamine on a personal level. She dressed up Gladion like a doll, making him into an obedient slave while forcing him to be have and obey her every command. Fuck her. Fuck Lusamine. Null was made in the room he's standing in front of. Poor bastards...
'It's not a particularly original line, but wherever there is light, there is also shadow.'
So Cosmog is...special. Very special. As you may have guessed, it's not even a Pokemon. Neither are you know what and you know what. I KNEW IT, IT WAS TYPE: FULL THE WHOLE TIME. Fuck you GF that's a stupid nameSo now that we've learned the darkness at the heart of Aether Paradise, we need to die. We don't. Gladion has a rare moment of happiness and is glad we're here kicking Aether in the face. Faba reappears and makes a fatal mistake. As long as he stayed hidden, we couldn't have actually progressed. It's time to kick his ass. We go into the entrance and
Team Skull has been helping Aether the whole time. This is the part of the game everyone hated, because it fucking hurt the hell out of their hearts. There's no threat to thrm. But Gladion... Gladion got his ass handed to him by Guzma. And let me fucking tell you, 3rd Guzma is where the game decides you've had enough tutorial bullshit. He's fighting you for real now, and he WILL NOT HOLD BACK.
There's 4 Pokemon in his arsenal. Newbies include a Masquerain who can actually teamwipe you with bug buzz and air slash if you're not careful, and a Pinsir who does mondo damage against anything that resists it. Guzma 3 can fuck you up, he's a veteran tier player.
So the Aether Mansion feels too perfect. It's where Lusamine lives. All the rooms are barred off with actual bars. I hope USUM lets us explore more of this to let us see all the psychotic madness that is Lusamine. Inside, we find Lillie and Lusamine having a chat. Lusamine says she doesn't have any children because they were unwilling to put up with how much of a psychotic bitch she was being. Well folks, it's time. Time for Lusamine's secret sex dungeon.
So every square in here? That's a frozen Pokemon. Lusamine has been keeping hundreds of Pokemon in her fucking basement cryogenically frozen because she wants her love to be spread everywhere. It feels like she's a combination of Lysandre and Ghetsis at the same time, taking aspects from both to make a truly sick fucking individual. Lusamine hates her kids and declares them rejects. She decides to let the...thing run wild among Alola and express its fury however it damn well pleases. Lusamine throws Cosmog against the ground amd uses Cosmog to open a portal... Everything's now going pear-shaped as... ASsss.......nbvcfd... Need...finish post.
Portals are opening all across Alola. WE. MUST. NEED. STOP. LUSAMINE. Hala reacts to thing and will fight with Koko. It time. Timme to ssssssttttyppop Lusamineeeeeeeee
lusamine is...powerful. 5 pokemon, the most we'll face before the pokeleague champon. clefable, ,ilotic, mismagus, bewear, and lilligant. it is a very solid team with next to no flaws but movesets. she strong. but we stronger. after a hard battle we win we winnn weeeeeeeeeeeeeee wiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Posted: Jul 25 2017, 02:41 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
Hello, and welcome back to the playthrough of B/W2. When we last left off, we were storming the Plasma Frigate. This place really is a devilish kind of area. It's so technological and powerful, making you and the grunts feel really small in comparison. The password to the gate, I think, is randomized maybe? I remember there being a passworded gate around here. Regardless, trivia. If you walk through the gate, you'll actually face a postgame version of the boss ahead. It's GF's way of punishing dirty cheaters like yourself. Regardless, we have to go across the entire frigate to shut off the electrobeams or else.
A lot of the grunts in here seem to come from the old world kinds of games. There's a grunt in here who was in Galactic, now he's in Plasma. Poor fucker just can't catch a break. Vivian and co. struggle through this, but Unova in B/W2 is a land of many Pokemon to use. Hell, that's why we have Serperior, right? We'll be fine, Lucario will protect us. Isn't that right, Blythe? You'll handle anyone that gets in our way. So we finally reach Colress, and I gotta say, nothing really tops Unova's major battle themes. Colress is deadly, having a full team of 6 Pokemon to destroy us. He's super strong, so be careful. My advice is to try and pray your Steel counter is equipped to deal with his devastatingly tough offenses, because the next boss isn't nearly as hard as he is...
With a good chunk of our mons taken out, we finally confront the man behind the man. Ghetsis. He's back, and he's gone scarily insane. He's watched the ENTIRETY of Unova for 2 years. Nothing has escaped his NSA-enrolled ass. He doesn't fight us here, no. Hugh comes in only to find his Purrloin is now a Liepard, and has served Plasma's nefarious deeds. Ghetsis immediately flees to start reviving Kyurem to freeze Unova. It's about to happen, so we better get to it. The Frigate crashes into Giant Chasm as he prepares to finally destroy UNova once and for all. We chase him into a cave in Giant Chasm, where Kyurem is going to freeze us dead... We have no chance since Ghetsis is attacking us directly! But then... A familiar face shows up on Reshiram. It's too bad that Ghetsis expected exactly that kind of move. Kyurem parasitically attaches to Reshiram, pulling it into itself. Two become one asTwo become oneTwo become oneTwo become oneoneoneoneone One
That was an amazing finale. We're still not done, though. Now that the postgame has opened up, we have all sorts of strong battles ahead of us. We get to finally tackle Alder, refight the E4 at max strength... There's no limit to the things we can do. God... What a great game. I wonder what Gen VI is gonna be like?
pppppppppppiece of shit. Gen VI is a fucking embarrassment to Pokemon. The entire game feels like a fucking Dane Cook comedy special, just pain to sit through all the way throoough!! God, I hate this pair of games! Fuck them!remember
Welcome back to my playthrough of Sun. remember
Kukui, I don't really think was realized very much throughout the story. He sure is one hell of a finremember
remember what is coming
ultra sun/ultra moon are our last hope
it needs to be good, blaine
there is no more hope
finish the playthrough damnit i don't have time for this
Posted: Aug 2 2017, 10:51 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 9l THE HAPUNING-
"I don;t quite feel like myself today" - Markiplier
Thread Theme: emptiness
Hey everybody, welcome back to the uh...thing with the thing. I dunno. Today we're gonna work our way to Poni Island. Because of course we are, we're a good boy who does whatever GameFreak wants and has daddy's money to throw around. Oh god my head hurts. Anyway, when we last left off we had just stopped Lusamine's plan to completely destroy Alola. Sadly, the fall has already begun and there's no help now.
Lillie will now make up the remaining cutscenes of the game. There is no escape from Lillie. There was never an escape from Lillie. Lillie is in new clothes when we go outside to meet her. This entire journey has been all about Lillie's growth. It's been about her needs. It was never about you, silly bitch. Why would you ever think you would do something besides stand there and look like a slackjawed re
So Lillie does the Z-Move pose and declares this her Z-Powered form. Gee it's almost like they're hinting at something in USUM. Gladion comes by and gives us a macguffin called the sun flute. So the sun flute plays with the moon flute andit summons the thing at the top of Poni Mountain. He also gives us the Master Ball for something later but that's later. So Gladion decides he runs this shithole of a dungeon now and then Hau comes in like stomach issues to shit on your day.
Hau says we're going to see a new him after Acerola's trial and for once that's not a joke. Hau really does ascend and he will fight you. So Aether Foundation returns to being how it was before you came here because what's effort? What is life, really? So we leave the foundation and go to Poni Island. Poni Island is officially the game's Victory Road. It may not sound like it, but it is. Lanakila is only 4 rooms if that and who really cares about that. It is also the much-needed difficulty increase into Pokemon everyone's been blabbering about. We have 190,000 poke from all the money farming I did so I buy shitty items to round out my inventory because I can go fuck myself. So we step onto Poni Island for the first time. It's mountainish. So yay I guess. Lindsey immediately assaults you with a Garbodor. It'sLVL 44. Note that some of my Pokemon were overleveled. This game is through with your shit. If the trials of Sun/Moon represent growing up and finding out what you value most in life, Poni Island is cold, hard reality hitting you in the fucking face. It's adulthood. You need to actually think this time. There's not a single victory this place won't give you without a fight, not to mention the finale at the top. Be ready.
So the majority of pauses here are me fighting my way through the trainers and the wildlife. If you think it's bad now, just wait till we get to Poni fucking Meadow. Best part of it is how I see a guy who teaches Dragon Ascent to some kid with a Rayquaza before 'GF has no idea how to implement this any other way so fuck it'. So we reach Hapu'shouse which is the only house on Poni Island because /effort and Lillie keeps interrupting everything with her fat face. So Hapu tells us she fought a thing from the sky and repelled it with Tapu Fini. It doesn't matter. This is where I get my FUCKING KNEES BROKE
Hapu's old gran comes to talk to us. It turns out Hapu is a fucking neet who only recently started going out. So we get the final ride Pokemon from her, Machamp Shove. Dunno why it can't just be Push. Whatever. So she tells us where to find the Ruins of Hope. It's 30 feet away, oh look we found it. So Hapu is in the ruins of life which is surrounded by this cool-looking coral. They couldn't animate Lillie trying to push a block, so they just cut away. Nice. After the slowest moving block pushing since Deadly Premonition. The Tapus are basically all just having a fun meetup and do whatever the helll they want. So Hapu becomes a Kahuna and you know what the fuck this means. Bascally, Lunala can drag us to the oth8644wer wo=[4rld. So we need to go to Exeggutor Island and after Lillie fangasms for 12 fucking sentences about Hapu considering her a friend I want to fucking kill myself
We--this girl just handed me a fucking aerodactyl, ok
So because Poni's trial master isn't doing anything we fuck off to the most basic of islands where it's nothing but pelliper and an occasional 30 foot tree that sneaks up on us. Who cares
We catch the tree and replace the cow in our party because we need something like this. I'm sorry Hathor but this is how it gotta be. Or I'll just bring you back its whatever to me tbh So Lillie tells us about 'I'M SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, I'M SINGIN' IN THE RAAAAIN', and how her mom and her danced and sang around in it. This is just fucking sad. If we had more things like this rather than the usual 'oh fuck I bought clothes lol' Lillie might have made a more personal impact with me. So Lillie asks me what I'm gonna do after I complete this shit
i don't know
i hadn't thought about what next to do after this
We see a rainbow as a good omen.
do you get it guys
so it's time for you know who after we deal with you know what and bla bla bla.
Rare footage of the Russia/Ukraine border, the impenetrable slavsquat barrier. Team Skull puts up their last fight with a whopping one Pokemon. Then one grunt sends out 5 despite there being 5 people, presumably because the game would fucking crash if it handled more than 4 people onscreen. So Plumeria shows up and says that Guzma is a person who was never loved. So when he got Lusamine's fake love, he'd do anything for her no matter how crazy it was. Guzma is just one of the better characters in Pokemon itself really. So Plumie gives us the Poison Z-Crystal and we're just about ready to fight.../her/.
Poni Canyon is... It's the victory road of the game. It's time to steel youe ass and actually get permission to enter... From Hapu. 'I am Kahuna Hapu!'
Hapu is...terrifying. 4 Pokemon, LVL 47. I've been grinding nonfuckingstop. Hapu is not a joke. You want that Mudsdale off the fucking field, hell or high water. Oh sure I have Primarina now, but I did this with Incineroar my first time. I could barely mount a defense against her. Even now I'm fucking hating myself because of the fucking Gastrodon I explicitly caught this stupid Exeggtuor for Hapu. Bitch has Full Heals, bitch has Hyper Potions, the only thing she doesn't have is a fuking counter to grass WHICH I FORGT TO PACK. So it takes a sacrifice hit from Alolan Raichu to even take t down a good HP hit. Hapu is your test to see if your team can actually fight the endgame battles, because they're all way tougher than her. It's time to actually climb the mountain.
I actually really like the canyon if only because of its vast fucking secret areas that are in it. Grind here. For the love of jesus grind here. I don't care how you do it. Just do it. This canyon is more or less straightforward if you're just traveling the path. It's almost time. The time to fight. Lillie decides crossing a bridge is her trial and Murkrow help her do it. Yay I guess? I'm not sure if Lillie can even buy Ethers. Whatever, we keep driving. We keep driving. We keep fighting. There's nothing more to say.
We meet Mina. She doesn't have a trial because GF forgot to add content to the islands that weren't Ula'Ula. Fuck you. I've actually stopped healing because I know Lillie will do it for me. So of course I say then when I see a combo of 3 trainers ahead. Up ahead is the final trial. Veteran Eric is our final fuck you before the trial. Lillie stops us so she can healbot us because why have difficulty for once and be underprepared? The trial is so one note I just literally put Kaihalulu in front of it and that's the end.Kommo-o being 7 feet tall amuses me because it's shorter than CHARIZARD. Seiously, the totem boost didn't do jackshit. Wonderful thinking guys, put in weak enemies after trainers with LVL 47 Pokemon.
Dragonium-Z which we won't use.
Finally, we reach the Altar of the Moone. It's finally time, boys. Stop Lusamine and save reality. Itss gonna be a ride so bbear with me. Weee've made it this far at least. And we ain't stoping here.We play the Moon flute together with Lillie, who plays the Sun flute, activating a power beacon which transforms Nebby into.... LUNALA!!
Into theeeeER Othherr world weee GOOOooooo
iiiIIiiTTttTWssssss hoOOmmeeeee sttreeccch bbbabbby
welcome to ultra spaccee
guzma is there. he was attacked by it. he cannnno longer go on. evennn your loyyal follower has abannoned you, lusamiiiineeee
y'all are stupid
lusamine is here. ssshe i s as a bitch as always. it's happening. the final hourrrr. lusamine is told she is terribleee terrible for wanting to ussse peopke as toys. yyyet her statement
"How am I different from any other Pokemon Trainer? Like your "friend" there? What do you do with a Pokemon you can't use? You discard it, as you please."
we are all sinners
wehhave all sinnnnneeeddddd
no must commplete flawed narrrative
FUCK YOU WHOOOOOORE
Lusamine fuses with Nihilego, becoming the semi-final boss. Her team is just how we left it. The only difference? Their stats are boosted. due to the totem effect. I have a plan. Her stupid stats may be boosted and her Pokemon may be perfect 252 31, but all I need is to stall. GO TO BED, JOKAH, SING. NASTY PLOT +3. DANCE FOR ME TRAVIS. IT'S TIME TO MAKE THAT BITCH EAT HER HAIR. OCEANIC OPRETTA
isssssss ss s s
Posted: Aug 3 2017, 01:30 AM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
CHAPTER 10: IT ENDS
-That awkward dead silence during every time TheAnnotatedXperiment has to watch serious issues onscreen during Tricky People-
Thread Theme: carry on my wayward son
We escape. Lusamine is hoisted onto the back of Hapu's Mudsdale. Hapu was worried about us. Lunala wants to keep traveling with us. There's only one way to make this happen. Only one way. One way to finally seal the demons forever. We catch it
Nebulasa is with us now. No more bullshit. No more running. I embrace it. I embrace it. I break my rules. I use the Mombat. We are her mother now. There's only one stop left. Nanu crawled up the stairs just to see us. He watched us catch God. Y'know, no big deal that we caught the very thing Alola worships. So we go with Nanu to Tapu Village. It's time for a few more obstacles before the big finish. Gladion fights us for real this time, having 4 Pokemon with max friendship evos. Crobat, Lucario, Weavile, Silvally. Wait what. Yes, Silvally is the full version of Type: Null. MAHINA PEA and Pollie makes short work of it. I've never actually used a legendary Pokemon aside from Thorg in a playthrough so it'll be interesting to see what happens. And with that, Gladion gives us an honest smile and a fond farewell. Time for Mt. Lanakila, and with it, the Elite Four and Champion.
Mt. Lanakila just ha elevators taking you past those pesky hazards and whatnot. Wow, I was wrong. Just three goddamn rooms to the top once you board thew first elevator. Pathetic, GameFreak. Hau challenges us for the final time. His team is mainly unchanged. Remember to actually take him seriously. Kukui actually looks shocked we brought Lunala this far. So this is it. Pick your best lead and just go for it. First up, Olivia. Golem, Relicanth, Lycanroc-M, Probopass. This is a battle of attrition because 'go fuck yourself'. All of them are. It gets to be a super uphill battle.
Hala: Bewear, Crabominable, Primeape, something that died, Poliwrath. Easier than Olivia due to all his Fighting mons being bested by special moves.
Acerola: Sableye, Dhelmise, Froslass, Palossand, Drifblim. Do you have a ghost or a weakness to one of the mons? You win!
Kahili: Skarmory, Mandibuzz, Toucannon, Oricorio, something who cares. Oh hey, miss not appearing in this fucking film with her fucking golf course.
So that's all four. Without a chance to grind effectively, better pucker up that ass. In any case, now it's time for the victory of being Champion.
THERE'S ONE MORE BATTLE FOR THE TITLE
When I first played this shit, I was amazed that a Professor was the final boss. Finally, fucking finally, we get to throwdown with the baddest of the badasses. This is fucking it, cousin!
A full team of 6. He's one of the few trainers in the game who has such. He';s TOUGH. The toughest fight in the damn game barring a certain special somebody. The fight made me run out of revives. You want to be LVL 54 at the LEAST to take this shit on. It's so damn hard and scary. But when you finally win... You really do feel like a champion. Thank you, Kukui. Thank you for being the only fight in this game to make me sweat. Thank you so much for existing and being the main reason I was drawn to Alola. THank you.
Record my stars for all eternity, Kukui baby! Hathor, Kaihalulu, Alana, MAHINA PEAAAA, Salena, Pollie, and Blythechu. The truest of heroes that could beat Kukui's intense champion power. So it's time for our journey to end at long fucking last.
Everyone's here at our celebration party celebrating our literal hard-fought victory. Now this feels like a fucking ending! All the bullshit you waded through, all the monotony, all the story, all the difficulty spikes the game throws at you at the end, it finally culminated in a celebration for you and your team. Even Gladion shows up for one last smile. Everyone does their respective Z-Moves for you, even Nanu. Then fireworks! Finally... We can rest and have the world to ourselves at last.
Well. Not quite. There's someone we need to visit. You remember. Right?
It's time to visit Tapu Koko and thank him for giving us the chance to complete the challenge. By kicking. His. Ass. Also, Tapu Koko talks. Yep. It also takes two attacks to down him. We get the Tapunium-Z for our troubles and prooceed to enjoy the rest of the festival. Congratulations everybody, that's another Pokemon LP dead and done. It's finally time to say goodbye to Alola. Lillie's fixing her mom and is departing for Kanto. Let the credits roll at last. The theme that plays when you first arrived at Alola blares through the speakers. It's the onlly theme in this game to make me tear up.
Lillie is moving away with her mom to find Bill to remove the Nihilego poison. Hau is flipping his shit over a friend leaving. So we have to pull double plot duty and make it so we do this ourselves. Off she goes to Kanto... Never to be seen again because Kanto has been in the fucking void for 12 years. So that is POkemon Moon. The game is finally complete and we go back home at last. The credits roll on a happy Alola, and a moderately happy Blaine. It's finally time to call this LP done.
we're not done yet, are we
Posted: Aug 3 2017, 08:01 PM
STRAIGHT SHOT OF THEEEESE
Group: Cafe Patrons
Joined: 29-December 15
FINAL CHAPTER: MY LIGHT
'It's not a particularly original line, but wherever there is light, there is also shadow.' - Male Aether Employee
Thread Theme: The Stars are Shining
So it's finally the part of the LP where we drop the kayfabe and talk about the game itself. I'll go through the UB hunt while explaining where the game excelled and fucking failed.
First off, let's get this started before we gettoo indepth. First we need to grind in Poni Meadow so we can get through this far faster. oh my fucking god
Sina and Dexio attack me as soon as I TRY TO GO THERE, OH MY FUCKING GOD AAAARRRGGGHHHSo after restarting the game, let's try and do the UB quest! We meet Looker and Anabel and get into parallel universes. Fuck that shit, I don't care to explain it. Play the fucking game or watch it. So Lusamine didn't release only Nihilego, and now we have to clean up that FUCKING BITCH'S MESS. what did I do to deserve this everyone is LVL fucking 61, what is this shit
[2:43 AM] The Weegee: So I have to use the EXP Share if I don't want to kill myself
[2:43 AM] minecraft gf🦀: pretty much
[2:43 AM] minecraft gf🦀: there are no post E4 grinding spots
[2:43 AM] minecraft gf🦀: and that's what caused me to stop playing soon after beating it
[2:43 AM] minecraft gf🦀: I wanted to continue but fuck me, I couldn't deal with the utter slog
[2:43 AM] The Weegee: thank you gamefreak for killing my goodwill a 4th time
One E4 grinding and Battle Buffet later, I'm ready to not kill myself out of rage and we fight Anabel properly this time. She's a fucking tourneyfriend cunt like always, using pseudo-legends and hardcore fighters against me because fuck you you're an asshole daddy GF. It's worth noting they didn't want you using anything like that in this game, so instead we get nothing but Alola's greatest slow ballads which can hardly put up a fight against a 31 IVed monster that currently rules Ubers with a buttfuck. What fucking good idea was it to attack the player with a LVL 61 Salamence when they don't have ANYTHING like that available to them to make it an even playing field? This shit is bonkers. t's like they thought the postgame was just grinding, but whatever. I miss ORAS's postgame, at least you had SOMETHING to do besides whack your dick against the wall and hope you get lucky. I'm outright forced to use the EXP Share to get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time, which is just ridiculous. I'm even thinking about another E4 run where I grind for more shit and balls just to keep myself ready. in fact you know what fuck it
BONNE CHANCE YOU FUCKING FROAKIE PIECE OF SHIT HOW DO YOU LIKE ME WHEN I GRINDED FOR 4 HOURS JUST TO GET YOU THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY
GO BACK TO WWII WHERE YOU SURRENDERED BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE THEN FOLDED AT THE FIRST SIGN OF A REAL THREAT
FUCK YOU AND YOUR KALOSIAN CULTURE I AM SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF YOUR STUPID LANGUAGE AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING SHITTY REGION, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES ME WANT YOU TO FUCKING DIE
FRANCE IS A BARREN WASTELAND OF FUCKING NOTHING ONLY REMEMBERED FOR PARIS
NAME TWO FUCKING CITIES OUTSIDE OF NICE AND PARIS, I'LL FUCKING WAIT, DON'T LOOK IT UP
KALOS IS TRASH
MEGA EVOLUTION IS TRASH
YOUR REGION IS THE MOST WORTHLESS THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN POKEMON, YOUR GYM LEADERS ARE NOTHING BUT CARDBOARD CUTOUTS THAT BARELY DO ANYTHING INTERESTING, YOUR FUCKING CHAMPION MAY AS WELL BE obj_placeholder IN TERMS OF CHARACTER, AND ABOVE ALL, YOUR FUCKING VILLAIN TEAM IS A FUCKING SAD JOKE NO ONE'S FUCKING LAUGHING AT
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU OR YOUR GREEN TUMOR SNAKE EVER AGAIN YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS AFTERBIRTH OF A FUCKING CHARACTER DUO
I HATE YOU
I WANT YOU DEAD
EAT LUNALA AND GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR NAMES MEAN 'LEFT AND RIGHT'
YEAH HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO THINK OF THAT GAMEFREAK, WAS THAT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR YOU YOU JUST SLAPPED IN A TOURNEYFRIEND PSYCHIC TEAM AND SAID 'Figure this out you stupid kids'
FUCK YOU TO HELL
GET TERMINAL 12 CANCER, THE BOTH OF YOU
So after that encounter with Sina and Dexio on Ancient Poni Path, we get the Mega Ring and the Key Stone. We can use Mega Evolution now, which I won't even bother trying to find a Pokemon to use it for so it goes unused. We can finally grind effectively. Not that we...need to anymore. They put LVL 56 encounters after this point. I'm not joking. It was harder to get in here than the actual place itself. Well done? this makes no fucking senseSo we're LVL fucking 68 in a place we should have been able to come to when we first beat the champion. Great job GF, you didn't even think at all. So go through this path. Chances are you steamroll everything in here. This is bad game design, and of course its Kalos that's the offender.
<_Charon_> So I'm LVL 70 now
<_Charon_> Which is higher than my team in Sun has ever gotten
<Talon-> "Things are more dangerous at night" no kidding
<_Charon_> INCLUDING MEEEEEEE
You know, I'm actually probably pretty leveled up enough to fight Mr. Bonus Boss. What's say we try? Just for old time's sake? Before that, let's actually fight Mina and her fairy types. This may be a slaughter since she's LVL 61 and we're now LVL 70 wich is more than enough tp handle ANY challenge that comes our way. Oh God. This is embarrassing. A single Salazzle just fucking whips her. Even with a Light Screen up this is just embarrassing. The only thing stopping me from a full sweep is Ribombee and its stupid movepool. Anyway.
It's Red/Bue. We know it's Red/Blue because GF popped the big secret 5 months in advance. Fuck them. I fought Red in Sun. I'll fight Blue here.
what have I done
Final Z-Move used was to fucking gank Blue's Arcanine. Fucking hell, that was...easy. But whatever. That was the last honest fight the game had for us. Everything else may as well be a joke now that we're LVL 70. Honestly, I don't want it any other way. Fuck this sudden 'fuck you' from GameFreak. So. Back to the actual postgame. Everyone loves the weird aliens, so let's make an 'asset plot', wherein we have assets made or the game already and make the most barebones thing ever out of it. We have to go to Aether Paradise, which gives me a great time to segway into Aether's involvement as a team and not a plot device.
The Aether Foundation has been hyped up in Kalos, wherein some other team came by to look for Xerneas and Yveltal, likely under Lusamine's orders. The Aether Foundation should have been completely evil from the start. I know that Gladion reforms them into good guys, and some have been mostly about the conservation bullshit, but if there's one thing Pokemon desperately needs right now, it's a fucking global threat. Something always lurking in the shadows to destroy the planet or the universe itself. That doesn't happen with the Aether Foundation. You can get the hints that that was supposed to happen given all the files and labs, but it just never came to be. If those 'leaks' are credible about Lusamine taking a chill pill, what's next for these guys? Fading into obscurity? They might honestly go the way of Team Flare despite global involvement. I don't want that. I want these people to be everywhere. To be the forefront of destruction and a bad omen.
So we resume our jaunt into the belly of Aether Labs. Worth noting Aether has the DNA Splicers. Yes, /those/ DNA splicers. And the Prison Bottle. And the Soul Dew. All items Lusamine planned to put in her collection. I have to say, this is fucking scary. How far did this bitch go? Where the fuck did she find these? Did she...kill the protag of B/W2 for them? See, this is why I wanted Aether to be more. There's just so much shady shit in here that rivals Ghetsis. Just fucking horrifying.
So we get Beast Balls to help us catch a thing with a thing. E UN DISASTRO
So Nihilego has been right here under our very noses. I'm not even going to fucking try to soft-reset for good natures. I did that crap back in Sun and it took me hours. Whatever I get is whatever I get. Got it? So since we're catching Nihilego we may as well go ahead and give it the name Lillie since that's what we're going to be talking about next. Lonely. How fitting. No, I'm not gonna get the second Cosmog even though I know where it is.
THE PROBLEM WITH LILLIE
Lillie, for the longest time before S/M's release, was speculated to be UB-01 due to its similarities. Its description didn't help either. 'It occasionally shows movements like a young girl'. 'It is constantly transforming into different shapes'. They say it's not sentient, but it reacts to stimuli in Refresh and takes damage. If it didn't show sentience, it could not recognize pain. Why am I bringing this up? Because it would have been one of the freshest twists in Pokemon history. The reason Lillie doesn't like fighting is because it would give her away. Because Lillie would have been trying to help Cosmog return home, she could return home as well. Instead we get someone who can't bear to see their precious widdle feelings get hurt. I understand not everyone is a fighter, but you have what is essentially a Pokemon equivalent of a fucking a-bomb rattling around in your bag. You need to have common sense and put your stupid feelings aside... Which is what she did far, FAR too late, before Lusamine got Cosmog and ruined everything, bringing the things here and destroying everything. I don't expect much from Pokemon characters already, but the fact this happened and the fact that Lillie consistently took time out of your journey, /YOUR JOURNEY WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUN AND UNINTRUSIVE/ away from you, I feel insulted this bitch could barely defend herself. But I guess Lillie getting a fucking Alolan Vulpix in the anime makes it all worth it. (NO it doesn't)
So Nanu shows up for the second UB quest. Don't worry folks, I'll talk about him at UB-06. So there's four of UB-02 Beauty. Hot bug waifu squadron go. Like I sad, not even bothering with natures. So now that we're at waifu bug, let's talk about someone that resembles her the most. Does this look fast to you? Welcome to the postgame. This is it. Go to place, catch thing. Go to another place, catch thing. Without further ado...
I hate this bitch. I don't know how anyone could love this freak. She's so fucking awful and her fucking intentions are on her sleeve. Unlikely Lysandre who's a literal joke, Lusamine is taken dead seriously and her child abuse is not ignored by the cast. She's done EVIL things. Sickening fucking things and they pulled her brand of insanity off perfectly, even the jabs at collectors who have to catch them all despite you telling us that's what we should do. Of course Lusamine wasn't /all/ bad nooo, but that excuses fucking nothing. We never get to see the 'real' her aside from one moment during the fight where she falls unconscious from being poisoned. It's always Lillie or Gladion's memories of her that shape our perception of her. And mine is a fucking evil bitch who psychotically made her children into dolls. Fuck Lysandre dying, this bitch should have been left to die. But we can't kill women in media anymore so that's that. She's also a walking spoiler but that's just blatantly apparent.
Moving on, we're going back to Akala to face the most dangerous UB. UB-03, otherwise known as Guzmatree. The person who dropped this hot tip was Mina, who we just faced a while ago. So we were supposed to fight her the first time here, but GameFReak didn't think during the last month so fuck it. The battle plays out the exact same as the one on Poni Trail. OK, we're at Guzmatree, so guess who the fuck we're talking about next.
GUZMA & TEAM SKULL
By far one of the major pros of Sun/Moon, they're literal goofballs causing trouble for the Aether Foundation. Guzma heads it, as we all know, it's ya boy. Not a single thing with Guzma feels out of place. Same with Team Skull. It feels like they were focusing all their manpower on Guzma's story of having a broken pedestal he fell off of. Going to his house on Route 2 shows he was rebellious and wasn't going to take shit from some50 year old man. Team Skullis woven so well into Alola that Aether Foundation feels like the fish out of water. In either case, Guzma is one of the cornerstones of Alola's narrative. Cowardice. Dreams broken. Reliance on someone who gives you false pity just so you can fit in. Guzma hits home with an amazing number of people and I'm very glad for it. Everyone wanted Guzma to become a hero. And thankfully, that's just what happened. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief as he helped us out and had a good throwdown with us afterwards. Top-notch characters, probably one of the best in the series to date.
We're almost there, folks. Just 2 more and we're all done. Let's see... What's a good segway for this one. Well, we'll find out. Blaster seems like a good time to talk about the Ultras themselves. There's two giant rocket waifus of hate, so let's talk about the SPACE ALIUMS while we catch them and whittle them down bit by bit. how hard is it to fucking spot a 30 foot rocket
THE ULTRA NARRATIVE
The Ultras are possibly one of the biggest controversial things to happen to Pokemon since Megas. Personally, I love them. Proof that eldritch horrors exist far beyond Pokemon's spectrum. They really outdid themselves here and I hope USUM will give them andddddd the respect they deserve. Granted, I don't even know much about them either. I can list off what everyone does, bt you can frankly just google that yourself. What I do know is there's something very up with outer space. I predict something going insanely wrong in USUM regarding these bastards, and I don't think ORAS was the end of our space race. We'll have to see... In any case, the Ultras have all their stat totals as prime numbers, which cannot be divided with itself... I think. Fuck math.
First crit capture of the game on Celesteela. Very nice. We're almost done. There's just one more left and it's time to strike at the heart with it. So, if you didn't face Sina and Dexio before this, well you have to do it now. These fucks roadblock you from that sweet, sweet completion. Nanu and Looker have very big history which I'll explain when UB-06 is challenged. It's time I started talking about where to go from here and what the details are. For now, we head to Poni and Looker challenges us to a fight. He's testing us against the same thing that killed the third member of his team so long ago. This is it, Luigi. Nanu is E4 Rematch levels, meaning he's the second strongest fight in the story. I'm LVL 74. /flaccid
I stand corrected. Final Z-Move: Oceanic Operetta against Nanu. We did it, Mario. We made it happen. We showed Nanu we're 110% capable. Nanu goes to valiantly lure it into the heart of Resolution Cave. Our final UB... Glutton. We don't waste time. It's time to confront the Zygarde expy. At least that's what it feels like anyway. Resolution Cave is eerie as fuck. The Alolan cave music plays inside here, but there's always a constant roaring and rumbling inside. It's very spooky, and it stays even before UB-06 is even a thing. Makes me wonder what the plan is... Resolution Cave's depths is a complete mimic of Terminus Cave's depths. Tile for tile.
ALOLA AS A WHOLE
Alola as a wholeis unfinished. I get that. I don't agree with USUM as they are in my face right now either. But there's a big story here. Something it feels like the other games have only been hinting at here and there. Without factoring in USUM, Alola is at best rushed in every possible way. The entire plot dump you get from the UB sidequest feels out of place. Regardless, Nanu and Looker were once partners in InterPol. Once the third member of their team died to UB-Glutton, he retired and couldn't stand being an InterPol agent anymore. Nanu is one of the best characters of this game, and it feels like he's vastly important to the story in both games. From his apparent Z-Ring gift in USUM to genuinely being worried about your well-being, Nanu is the other cornerstone of Alola. Ula'Ula feels perfect because I think this is where you're going to start in USUM, or at least, visit first. So. What do I think of Alola as a whole, entire experience? It's very hit and miss, but probably the best 'first versions' we've gotten in a long time. I'd have to wait for USUM for a lot of things, including a comparison and refinement. I hope, for all our sakes, this is the game that makes Pokemon stand up and be a proud product again.
It is done. The evil is defeated. Every last UB is caught and safely in our overpowered possession. All that's left is to tell Wicke the job is done and over with and we'll finally put this game to rest. We go to finally debrief and finish up, telling Wicke that everything is done. Once we find out the Beast Balls are negative assets, we move on with our lives. But just then, Looker bursts in. He says he looked up in the sky, seeing a mysterious black something. It was black, yet shining somehow, like it was refracting light. Yet Wicke says there is no UBs to be found. We get 1,000,000 Poke for our troubles, but I can't help but wonder about Melemele. Whatever the case, we're done. I'll check out Melemele one last time and then... Rest. My friends... Alolashines beauuttttiifggffulklyyy
UB-01. Code name: "Symbiont." Properly known as Nihilego. There have been sightings reported of this beast in Alola's past. Its most distinctive feature is its parasitic capability. When Nihilego latches on to a host, it does not manipulate its actions directly. Rather it awakens the host's own capabilities and boosts them to an extreme extent in order to protect itself. It injects the host with a sort of neurotoxin to achieve this effect. This neurotoxin of Nihilego's is incredibly stimulating and inspires feelings of extreme excitement and a lack of inhibition in its host. In other words, anything or anyone that a Nihilego latches on to will have its native skills forcibly activated to their fullest extent and will then act as it naturally desires to.
UB-02. Code name: "Absorption." Properly known as Buzzwole. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. Its most distinctive feature is its skill to strengthen itself. Buzzwole is able to absorb energy and then achieve a chemical reaction between the energy it has absorbed and its own body fluids. As a result, Buzzwole's body swells to an almost explosive extent. Its muscles bulge and are so thick and dense that they are stronger even than steel. Both its Attack and Defense experience a clear leap in power. It also displays a habit of striking a pose each time that it takes any sort of action... It is thought this might serve as a method of communication, but it is not well understood.
UB-02. Code name: "Beauty." Properly known as Pheromosa. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. This UB can reach speeds exceeding 120 mph in just an instant. This speed is greater than any other living creature that has been discovered to date. But its most distinctive features may in fact be its beauty and its powerful pheromones. Most any creature that squares off against a Pheromosa becomes confused, as if struck by the beast's beauty, and loses the will to fight. It is still a subject of research, but it's thought that Pheromosa may possess some sort of organ able to produce a pheromonal substance previously unknown to science.
UB-03. Code name: "Lighting." Properly known as Xurkitree. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. Its most distinctive feature is an organ that can generate power. This UB's bodily makeup is highly reminiscent of electric wiring, thus enabling it to conduct electricity with great efficiency. It can discharge as much as a million volts of power at a time. When it begins to run out of power, it stabs its legs and tail into the soil, entering a treelike state as it absorbs electricity from the ground.
UB-04. Code name: "Blade." Properly known as Kartana. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. Its most distinctive feature is its thin and razor- sharp body, of which every edge has as cruel a cutting edge as any well-honed blade. The edges on its arms are particularly in a class of their own. Any opponent who tries to attack it will be cut down with a single strike of its "blades." Its thin body also allows it to evade attacks by dancing lightly out of the way. This is a very dangerous creature, considering its excellent offensive and defensive capabilities, but due to the nature of its body, it is also highly vulnerable to fire and moisture.
UB-04. Code name: "Blaster." Properly known as Celesteela. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. Its most distinctive feature is the energy that it stores within itself, a flammable gas that it can shoot from its two huge arms. This is mostly used to propel itself in flight and for battle, but it is thought to have sufficient power and lift to even fly into space. Its bodily construction closely resembles that of a plant, and it absorbs nutrients from the soil.
UB-05. Code name: "Glutton." Properly known as Guzzlord. This UB has been sighted in the Alola region in the past as well, according to our reports. It seems it was targeted by the International Police in a top-secret mission at that time. Its most distinctive feature is its limitless appetite. It feeds without pause every moment that it is awake. It uses the two large tongues that protrude from its mouth to catch and devour everything in its path, be it organic or inorganic matter. And while it eats such an inordinate amount, Guzzlord excreta has never been discovered. It is thought that it might fully convert the things that it eats into energy for it to use.
UB-00. Code name: "Prism." Not known to the Aether Foundation or the International Police, this UB has been sighted reflecting light over Alola's skies. With its unique biological makeup, this UB is cold to the touch despite firing off massive, untold quantities of light. It can appear to detach and reattach itself at will for purposes currently unknown. It appears to experience intense physical pain when its mental functions are detected going into a combative state as it seems to be attempting to remember something unclear. This UB is stated to have connections to the Z-Crystals found all over Alola's infrastructure, as well as a deep connection to the legendary Pokemon of Alola; Solgaleo and Lunala.
i have come for you my king
it is time at last
hello again. old friend.
-TO BE CONCLUDED IN ULTRA SUN/ULTRA MOON-